 
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| RAKETAŠ | The Rocket Man |
| Električni svici lebdeli su nad Majčinom crnom kosom i osvetljavali joj put. Stajala je u vratima svoje spavaće sobe i gledala me kako prolazim u tiho predsoblje. "Pomoći ćeš mi da ga ovog puta zadržim ovde, je l' da?" zapita. | THE electrical fireflies were hovering above Mother’s dark hair to light her path. She stood in her bedroom door looking out at me as I passed in the silent hall. “You will help me keep him here this time, won’t you?” she asked. |
| "Valjda", rekoh. | “I guess so,” I said. |
| "Molim te." Svetlost koju su bacali svici promicala je preko njenog belog lica. "Ovog puta on ne sme opet da ode." | “Please.” The fireflies cast moving bits of light on her white face. “This time he mustn’t go away again.” |
| "Dobro", rekoh pošto sam postojao tu za trenutak. "Ali to neće pomoći ne vredi." | “All right,” I said, after standing there a moment. “But it won’t do any good; it’s no use.” |
| Ona ode, i svici, u svojim električnim kolima, odlepršaše za njom kao lutajuće sazvežđe, pokazujući joj put u tami. Čuo sam je kako kaže, tihim glasom: "Moramo pokušati, svakako." | She went away, and the fireflies, on their electric circuits, fluttered after her like an errant constellation, showing her how to walk in darkness. I heard her say, faintly, “We’ve got to try, anyway.” |
| Drugi svici me otpratiše do moje sobe. Kada težina mog tela prekide jedno kolo u krevetu, svici utrnuše. Bila je ponoć, i moja majka i ja smo čekali, u tamom razdvojenim sobama, u krevetima. Krevet poče da me ljulja i da mi peva. Dotakoh jedan prekidač; pevanje i ljuljanje prestadoše. Nisam želeo da spavam. Uopšte nisam želeo da spavam. | Other fireflies followed me to my room. When the weight of my body cut a circuit in the bed, the fireflies winked out. It was midnight, and my mother and I waited, our rooms separated by darkness, in bed. The bed began to rock me and sing to me. I touched a switch; the singing and rocking stopped. I didn’t want to sleep. I didn’t want to sleep at all. |
| Ova noć nije se razlikovala od hiljade drugih u našem životu. Probudili bismo se noću i osetili kako se prohladan vazduh zagreva, osetili vatru u vetru, ili videli kako zidovi za trenutak gore svetlom bojom, i tada bismo znali da je njegova raketa iznad naše kuće - njegova raketa, dok se hrastovi njišu od udara vazduha. I ja bih ležao, tu, širom otvorenih očiju, dahtao, a Majka u svojoj sobi. Do mene bi dopro njen glas preko intersobnog radija: | This night was no different from a thousand others in our time. We would wake nights and feel the cool air turn hot, feel the fire in the wind, or see the walls burned a bright color for an instant, and then we knew his rocket was over our house—his rocket, and the oak trees swaying from the concussion. And I would lie there, eyes wide, panting, and mother in her room. Her voice would come to me over the interroom radio: |
| "Jesi li osetio?" | “Did you feel it?” |
| I ja bih odgovorio: "Jeste, to je bio on." | And I would answer, “That was him, all right.” |
| To je bio brod mog oca koji je prelazio iznad našeg grada, gradića gde vasionske rakete nikada nisu dolazile, i mi bismo ležali budni sledeća dva sata i razmišljali. "Sada je Tata sleteo u Springfild, sada je na pisti, sada potpisuje dokumenta, sada je u helikopteru, sada je iznad reke, sada iznad brda, evo ga spušta helikopter na mali aerodrom ovde u Grin Vilidžu..." I noć bi već upola prošla kada bismo, u našim odvojenim, svežim posteljama, Majka i ja slušali, slušali. "Sada ide Bel Stritom. On uvek ide pešice... nikada ne uzima taksi... sada ide preko parka, sada skreće za ugao kod Oukhersta i sada..." | That was my father’s ship passing over our town, a small town where space rockets never came, and we would lie awake for the next two hours, thinking, “Now Dad’s landed in Springfield, now he’s on the tarmac, now he’s signing the papers, now he’s in the helicopter, now he’s over the river, now the hills, now he’s settling the helicopter in at the little airport at Green Village here. . . . And the night would be half over when, in our separate cool beds, Mother and I would be listening, listening. “Now he’s walking down Bell Street. He always walks . . . never takes a cab . . . now across the park, now turning the corner of Oakhurst and now . . . |
| Podignem glavu sa jastuka. Daleko dole niz ulicu, prilaze sve bliže i bliže, elegantno, brzo, živahno - koraci. Sada skreću kod naše kuće, pa uza stepenice od trema. I oboje smo se osmehivali u prohladnoj tami, Mama i ja, kada smo čuli kako se prednja vrata otvaraju prepoznajući ga, progovaraju tihu reč dobrodošlice, i zatvaraju, dole... | I lifted my head from my pillow. Far down the street, coming closer and closer, smartly, quickly, briskly—footsteps. Now turning in at our house, up the porch steps. And we were both smiling in the cool darkness, Mom and I, when we heard the front door open in recognition, speak a quiet word of welcome, and shut downstairs. . . . |
| Tri sata kasnije okrenuo sam tiho kvaku na vratima njihove sobe, zadržavajući dah, održavajući ravnotežu u tami velikoj kao prostor između planeta, sa ispruženom rukom da dohvatim mali crni kofer u podnožju kreveta mojih roditelja. Pošto sam ga uzeo, otrčim nečujno u svoju sobu, stanem da razmišljam. On mi neće reći, ne želi da znam. | Three hours later I turned the brass knob to their room quietly, holding my breath, balancing in a darkness as big as the space between the planets, my hand out to reach the small black case at the foot of my parents’ sleeping bed. Taking it, I ran silently to my room, thinking, He won’t tell me, he doesn’t want me to know. |
| lz otvorenog kofera prosu se njegova crna uniforma, kao crna maglina, sa zvezdama koje su svetlucale tu i tamo, udaljene, u materijalu. Stisnem tamnu tkaninu toplim rukama; osetih planetu Mars, jedan železni miris, i planetu Veneru, miris zelenog bršljana, i planetu Merkur, miris sumpora i vatre; osetih i miris mlečnog meseca i tvrdinu zvezda. Gurnem uniformu u mašinu sa centrifugom koju sam napravio u radionici mog devetog razreda te godine, pustim mašinu. Ubrzo jedan fini prah jurnu u retortu. Stavim ga pod mikroskop. I dok su mi roditelji spavali ne znajući šta se događa, i dok nam je kuća spavala, sa svim automatskim pekačima i poslužiocima, i robotskim čistačima u električnom snu, ja sam bio zagledan u blistava zrnca meteorske prašine, kometinog repa, i organskog tla sa dalekog Jupitera, sjajna kao i sami svetovi koji su me vukli na milijarde milja u kosmos, sa strahovitim ubrzanjem. | And from the opened case spilled his black uniform, like a black nebula, stars glittering here or there, distantly, in the material. I kneaded the dark stuff in my warm hands; I smelled the planet Mars, an iron smell, and the planet Venus, a green ivy smell, and the planet Mercury, a scent of sulphur and fire; and I could smell the milky moon and the hardness of stars. I pushed the uniform into a centrifuge machine I’d built in my ninth-grade shop that year, set it whirling. Soon a fine powder precipitated into a retort. This I slid under a microscope. And while my parents slept unaware, and while our house was asleep, all the automatic bakers and servers and robot cleaners in an electric slumber, I stared down upon brilliant motes of meteor dust, comet tail, and loam from far Jupiter glistening like worlds themselves which drew me down the tube a billion miles into space, at terrific accelerations. |
| U svitanje, iscrpen od puta i u strahu da će me otkriti, vratim uniformu u kofer u njihovu spavaću sobu. | At dawn, exhausted with my journey and fearful of discovery, I returned the boxed uniform to their sleeping room. |
| Onda sam zaspao, i probudio se tek od sirene kola za hemijsko čišćenje koja su se zaustavila dole u dvorištu. Odneli su crnu uniformu. Dobro je što nisam čekao, pomislih. Jer uniformu će vratiti za jedan sat, očišćenu od sve njene sudbine i putovanja. | Then I slept, only to waken at the sound of the horn of the dry-cleaning car which stopped in the yard below. They took the black uniform box with them. It’s good I didn’t wait, I thought. For the uniform would be back in an hour, clean of all its destiny and travel. |
| Opet zaspah, sa malim staklenim sudom magične prašine u džepu od pidžame, iznad srca koje mi je burno udaralo. | I slept again, with the little vial of magical dust in my pajama pocket, over my beating heart. |
| Kada sam sišao, Tata je bio za doručkom, zagrizao tost. "Jesi dobro spavao, Dag?" reče kao da je sve vreme bio ovde, a ne odsutan tri meseca. | When I came downstairs, there was Dad at the breakfast table, biting into his toast. “Sleep good, Doug?” he said, as if he had been here all the time, and hadn’t been gone for three months. |
| "Dobro", rekoh. | “All right,” I said. |
| "Hoćeš tosta?" | “Toast?” |
| Pritisnu jedno dugme, i sto za doručak napravi mi četiri parčeta, zlatno smeđa. | He pressed a button and the breakfast table made me four pieces, golden brown. |
| Sećam se mog oca tog popodneva, kako kopa i kopa u bašti, kao životinja koja nešto traži, tako je izgledalo. Svojim dugačkim tamnim rukama koje su se hitro pokretale tu je on sadio, utapkavao, pričvršćivao, sekao, obrezivao, sa crnim licem uvek okrenutim u zemlju, očima uvek uperenim u ono što radi, nikada ih nije podizao ka nebu, nikada nije gledao u mene, pa čak ni u Majku, osim ako bismo klekli sa njim i osetili kako nam zemlja vlagom prodire kroz pantalone na kolenima, stavili ruke u crnu prljavštinu, ne gledajući u sjajno, ludo nebo. Onda bi on bacio pogled na jednu ili na drugu stranu, na Majku ili na mene, namignuo nam sa nežnošću i nastavio, pognut, sa licem ka zemlji, dok mu je nebo bilo zagledano u leđa. | I remember my father that afternoon, digging and digging in the garden, like an animal after something, it seemed. There he was with his long dark arms moving swiftly, planting, tamping, fixing, cutting, pruning, his dark face always down to the soil, his eyes always down to what he was doing, never up to the sky, never looking at me, or Mother, even, unless we knelt with him to feel the earth soak up through the overalls at our knees, to put our hands into the black dirt and not look at the bright, crazy sky. Then he would glance to either side, to Mother or me, and give us a gentle wink, and go on, bent down, face down, the sky staring at his back. |
| Te večeri sedeli smo na tremu na mehaničkoj ljuljašci koja nas je ljuljala i duvala na nas vetar, i pevala nam. Bilo je leto i mesečina, pili smo limunadu i držali hladne čaše u rukama, dok je Tata čitao stereo-novine umetnute u specijalan šešir koji staviš na glavu i koji okreće mikroskopsku stranicu ispred uveličavajućeg sočiva kad žmirneš tri puta uzastopce. Tata je pušio cigarete i pričao mi kako je bilo kada je on bio dečak 1997. godine. Posle nekog vremena reče, kao što je uvek govorio: "Što ne pikaš napolju, Dag?" | That night we sat on the mechanical porch swing which swung us and blew a wind upon us and sang to us. It was summer and moonlight and we had lemonade to drink, and we held the cold glasses in our hands, and Dad read the stereo-newspapers inserted into the special hat you put on your head and which turned the microscopic page in front of the magnifying lens if you blinked three times in succession. Dad smoked cigarettes and told me about how it was when he was a boy in the year 1997. After a while he said, as he had always said, “Why aren’t you out playing kick-the-can, Doug?” |
| Ja nisam rekao ništa, ali Mama reče: "Pika on, onih večeri kad ti nisi ovde." | I didn’t say anything, but Mom said, “He does, on nights when you’re not here.” |
| Tata pogleda u mene pa zatim, po prvi put tog dana, u nebo. Majka ga je uvek posmatrala kada bi on pogledao zvezde. Prvog dana i noći kada bi stigao kući ne bi mnogo gledao u nebo. Mislio sam o njemu kako besno radi i radi u bašti, sa licem gotovo zarivenim u zemlju. Ali druge noći gledao bi malo više u zvezde. Majka se nije toliko plašila od neba danju, ali noćne zvezde želela je da ugasi, i ponekad gotovo kao da sam je video kako poseže za prekidačem u glavi, ali ga nikako ne nalazi. A do treće noći Tata će možda biti ovde na tremu sve dok mi već odavno ne budemo spremni za spavanje, i onda ću čuti Mamu kako ga zove da uđe, gotovo isto kao što mene ponekad zove sa ulice. Zatim ću čuti Tatu kako sa uzdahom namešta bravu sa električnim okom na mesto. A sledećeg jutra za doručkom baciću pogled na pod i videti mali crni kofer kraj njegovih nogu dok on maže puter na prepečen hleb a Majka ne ustaje iz kreveta. | Dad looked at me and then, for the first time that day, at the sky. Mother always watched him when he glanced at the stars. The first day and night when he got home he wouldn’t look at the sky much. I thought about him gardening and gardening so furiously, his face almost driven into the earth. But the second night he looked at the stars a little more. Mother wasn’t afraid of the sky in the day so much, but it was the night stars that she wanted to turn off, and sometimes I could almost see her reaching for a switch in her mind, but never finding it. And by the third night maybe Dad’d be out here on the porch until ‘way after we were all ready for bed, and then I’d hear Mom call him in, almost like she called me from the street at times. And then I would hear Dad fitting the electric-eye door lock in place, with a sigh. And the next morning at breakfast I’d glance down and see his little black case near his feet as he buttered his toast and Mother slept late. |
| "Pa vidimo se, Dag", reći će on i rukovaćemo se. | “Well, be seeing you, Doug,” he’d say, and we’d shake hands. |
| "Za oko tri meseca?" | “In about three months?” |
| "Tačno." | “Right.” |
| I otići će ulicom, neće ići helikopterom niti bubom niti autobusom, ići će pešice, sa uniformom skrivenom u koferčetu koje nosi preko ramena; nije želeo da iko pomisli da je on uobražen zato što je Raketaš. | And he’d walk away down the street, not taking a helicopter or beetle or bus, just walking with his uniform hidden in his small underarm case; he didn’t want anyone to think he was vain about being a Rocket Man. |
| Majka će izaći na doručak, jedno parče suvog hleba oko jedan sat, kasnije. | Mother would come out to eat breakfast, one piece of dry toast, about an hour later. |
| Ali sada je bilo noćas, ona prva noć, dobra noć, i on uopšte nije mnogo gledao u zvezde. | But now it was tonight, the first night, the good night, and he wasn’t looking at the stars much at all. |
| "Hajdemo na televizijski karneval", rekoh. | “Let’s go to the television carnival,” I said. |
| "Dobro", reče Tata. | “Fine,” said Dad. |
| Majka mi se osmehnu. | Mother smiled at me. |
| Odjurimo u grad helikopterom i provedemo Tatu kroz hiljadu atrakcija da bi mu lice i glava ostali dole sa nama i da ne gleda ni na koju drugu stranu. I dok smo se smejali smešnim stvarima i ozbiljno gledali ozbiljne stvari, pomislim, moj otac ide na Saturn i Neptun i Pluton, ali mi nikada ne donosi poklone. Očevi drugih dečaka, koji idu u kosmos, donose komadiće rude sa Kalista i grumene crnog meteora ili plavi pesak. A ja moram sam da dobavljam svoju zbirku, da trgujem sa drugim dečacima, da sakupljam marsovsko kamenje i merkurski pesak koji mi ispunjavaju sobu. Tata o tome nikada nije hteo ni da govori. | And we rushed off to town in a helicopter and took Dad through a thousand exhibits, to keep his face and head down with us and not looking anywhere else. And as we laughed at the funny things and looked serious at the serious ones, I thought, My father goes to Saturn and Neptune and Pluto, but he never brings me presents. Other boys whose fathers go into space bring back bits of ore from Callisto and hunks of black meteor or blue sand. But I have to get my own collection, trading from other boys, the Martian rocks and Mercurian sands which filled my room, but about which Dad would never comment. |
| Jednom prilikom, sećam se, doneo je nešto za Majku. Zasadio je neke marsovske suncokrete u našem dvorištu, ali pošto je bio mesec dana na putu i suncokreti porasli veliki, Mama jednog dana istrči iz kuće i sve ih poseče. | On occasion, I remembered, he brought something for Mother. He planted some Martian sunflowers once in our yard, but after he was gone a month and the sunflowers grew large, Mom ran out one day and cut them all down. |
| Bez razmišljanja, kada smo zastali kraj jednog od trodimenzionalnih izloženih predmeta, postavim Tati pitanje koje sam uvek postavljao: | Without thinking, as we paused at one of the three-dimensional exhibits, I asked Dad the question I always asked: |
| "Kako je tamo, u kosmosu?" | “What’s it like, out in space?” |
| Majka me preseče prestrašenim pogledom. Bilo je i suviše kasno. | Mother shot me a frightened glance. It was too late. |
| Tata je stajao čitavih pola minuta nastojeći da nađe odgovor, onda slegnu ramenima. | Dad stood there for a full half minute trying to find an answer, then he shrugged. |
| "To je nešto najbolje od najboljeg u životu." Onda uhvati sebe u reči. "Ma, u stvari nije ništa uopšte. Rutina. Ne bi ti se dopalo." Pogleda me, sa zebnjom. | “It’s the best thing in a lifetime of best things.” Then he caught himself. “Oh, it’s really nothing at all. Routine. You wouldn’t like it.” He looked at me, apprehensively. |
| "Ali ti se uvek vraćaš tamo." | “But you always go back.” |
| "Navika." | “Habit.” |
| "Kamo ćeš sledeći put?" | “Where’re you going next?” |
| "Još nisam odlučio. Razmisliću." | “I haven’t decided yet. I’ll think it over.” |
| Uvek je razmišljao. U to vreme raketni piloti bili su retki i mogao je da bira šta hoće, da radi kad mu se sviđa. Treće noći po dolasku kući mogao si ga videti kako prebira i odabira medu zvezdama. | He always thought it over. In those days rocket pilots were rare and he could pick and choose, work when he liked. On the third night of his homecoming you could see him picking and choosing among the stars. |
| "Hajde", reče Majka, "idemo kući." | “Come on,” said Mother, “let’s go home.” |
| Bilo je još rano kada smo stigli kući. Želeo sam da Tata obuče uniformu. Nije trebalo to da tražim - Majka je uvek zbog toga bila nesrećna - ali nisam mogao da se uzdržim. Navaljivao sam, mada je on uvek odbijao. Nikada ga nisam video u uniformi, i on najzad reče: "Pa, u redu." | It was still early when we got home. I wanted Dad to put on his uniform. I shouldn’t have asked—it always made Mother unhappy—but I could not help myself. I kept at him, though he had always refused. I had never seen him in it, and at last he said, “Oh, all right.” |
| Čekali smo u salonu dok on ode gore u vazdušnoj cevi. Majka me je tupo gledala, kao da ne veruje da njen rođeni sin može tako nešto da joj učini. Ja odvratim pogled u stranu. "Žao mi je", rekoh. | We waited in the parlor while he went upstairs in the air flue. Mother looked at me dully, as if she couldn’t believe that her own son could do this to her. I glanced away. “I’m sorry,” I said. |
| "Uopšte ne pomažeš", reče ona. "Uopšte." | “You’re not helping at all,” she said. “At all.” |
| Trenutak kasnije začu se šapat u vazdušnoj cevi. | There was a whisper in the air flue a moment later. |
| "Evo me", reče mirno Tata. | “Here I am,” said Dad quietly. |
| Gledali smo ga u njegovoj uniformi. | We looked at him in his uniform. |
| Bila je sjajno crna sa srebrnim dugmetima i srebrom okovanim petama na crnim čizmama, i izgledala je kao da je neko iz jedne tamne magline izrezao ruke i noge i telo, sve sa bledim zvezdicama koje prosijavaju kroz nju. Prianjala je tesno uz njega kao rukavica na krhkoj dugoj šaci, i mirisala na prohladan vazduh, metal i svemir. Mirisala je na vatru i vreme. | It was glossy black with silver buttons and silver rims to the heels of the black boots, and it looked as if someone had cut the arms and legs and body from a dark nebula, with little faint stars glowing through it. It fit as close as a glove fits to a slender long hand, and it smelled like cool air and metal and space. It smelled of fire and time. |
| Otac je stajao, nespretno se osmehujući, u sredini sobe. | Father stood, smiling awkwardly, in the center of the room. |
| "Okreni se", reče Majka. | “Turn around,” said Mother. |
| Oči su joj bile negde daleko dok ga je gledala. | Her eyes were remote, looking at him. |
| Kada je otišao, više o njemu nije govorila. Nikada nije ništa govorila ni o čemu osim o vremenu ili stanju mog vrata i potrebi da se on izriba ili o činjenici da noćima ne spava. Jednom reče da je noću i suviše jaka svetlost. | When he was gone, she never talked of him. She never said anything about anything but the weather or the condition of my neck and the need of a washcloth for it, or the fact that she didn’t sleep nights. Once she said the light was too strong at night. |
| "Ali ove nedelje nema meseca", rekoh. | “But there’s no moon this week,” I said. |
| "Ima svetlosti od zvezda", reče ona | “There’s starlight,” she said. |
| Odem u radnju i kupim joj tamnije, zelenije zastore protiv svetlosti. Dok sam noću ležao u postelji čuo sam je kako ih navlači do dole sve do samog dna prozora. To je proizvodilo dug, šuštav zvuk. | I went to the store and bought her some darker, greener shades. As I lay in bed at night, I could hear her pull them down tight to the bottom of the windows. It made a long rustling noise. |
| Jednom pokušam da pokosim travnjak. | Once I tried to mow the lawn. |
| "Ne." Mama je stajala u vratima. "Skloni tu kosačicu." | “No.” Mom stood in the door. “Put the mower away.” |
| Tako je trava rasla po tri meseca a da se ne seče. Tata ju je šišao kada dođe kući. | So the grass went three months at a time without cutting. Dad cut it when he came home. |
| I nije mi dozvoljavala ništa drugo da radim, recimo da popravim električni uredaj za spremanje doručka ili mehanički čitač knjiga. Sve je čuvala, kao da je za Božić. Onda bih video Tatu kako zakucava ili lemi, i uvek se smeška dok radi, i Majku kako se osmehuje, srećna. | She wouldn’t let me do anything else either, like repairing the electrical breakfast maker or the mechanical book reader. She saved everything up, as if for Christmas. And then I would see Dad hammering or tinkering, and always smiling at his work, and Mother smiling over him, happy. |
| Ne, nikada nije govorila o njemu kada bi otišao. A što se tiče Tate, on nikada nije činio ništa da bi uspostavio kontakt kroz milione milja. Jednom je rekao: "Kad bih vas pozvao, poželeo bih da budem sa vama. Ne bih bio srećan." | No, she never talked of him when he was gone. And as for Dad, he never did anything to make a contact across the millions of miles. He said once, “If I called you, I’d want to be with you. I wouldn’t be happy.” |
| Jednom mi Tata reče: "Tvoja majka postupa sa mnom, ponekad, kao da nisam ovde - nekako kao da sam nevidljiv." | Once Dad said to me, “Your mother treats me, sometimes, as if I weren’t here—as if I were invisible.” |
| Video sam je kada se tako ponaša. Gledala bi tačno pokraj njega, preko njegovog ramena, u njegovu bradu ili ruke, ali nikako u oči. Ako bi ga i pogledala u oči, preko njenih očiju bila je jedna skramica kao kod životinje koja pada u san. Govorila bi 'da' u pravim trenucima, i osmehivala se, ali uvek pola sekunde kasnije nego što se to očekivalo. | I had seen her do it. She would look just beyond him, over his shoulder, at his chin or hands, but never into his eyes. If she did look at his eyes, her eyes were covered with a film, like an animal going to sleep. She said yes at the right times, and smiled, but always a half second later than expected. |
| "Ja za nju nisam tu", govorio je Tata. | “I’m not there for her,” said Dad. |
| Ali drugih dana ona bi bila tu i on bi bio tu za nju, držali bi se za ruke i šetali oko bloka, ili se vozili, dok je Mami lepršala kosa kao u devojčice, i ona bi isključila sve mehaničke uređaje u kuhinji i pekla mu neverovatne kolače i pite i medenjake, duboko mu se zagledajući u lice, sa stvarnim osmehom. Ali na kraju takvih dana kada je on bio tu za nju, ona bi uvek plakala. A Tata bi stajao bespomoćan, gledao po sobi kao da traži odgovor, ali ga nikada nije nalazio. | But other days she would be there and he would be there for her, and they would hold hands and walk around the block, or take rides, with Mom’s hair flying like a girl’s behind her, and she would cut off all the mechanical devices in the kitchen and bake him incredible cakes and pies and cookies, looking deep into his face, her smile a real smile. But at the end of such days when he was there to her, she would always cry. And Dad would stand helpless, gazing about the room as if to find the answer, but never finding it. |
| Tata se polako okretao u svojoj uniformi, da ga vidimo. | Dad turned slowly, in his uniform, for us to see. |
| "Okreni se opet", reče Mama. | “Turn around again,” said Mom. |
| Sledećeg jutra Tata ulete u kuću sa hrpom karata u rukama. Sa ružičastim raketnim kartama za Kaliforniju, plavim kartama za Meksiko. | The next morning Dad came rushing into the house with handfuls of tickets. Pink rocket tickets for California, blue tickets for Mexico. |
| "Hajde!" reče. "Kupićemo odeću što se baca posle upotrebe i spalićemo je kada se zaprlja. Gledaj, idemo podnevnom raketom u L. A., Los Anđeles; prim. prev. helikopterom u dva sata u Santa Barbaru, avionom u devet za Ensenadu, tamo prenoćimo!" | “Come on!” he said. “We’ll buy disposable clothes and burn them when they’re soiled. Look, we take the noon rocket to L.A., the two-o’clock helicopter to Santa Barbara, the nine-o’clock plane to Ensenada, sleep overnight!” |
| Tako odemo u Kaliforniju i dan i po smo išli gore-dole Pacifičkom obalom, da bismo se najzad smestili na pesku Malibua gde smo uveče kuvali kobasice. Tata je sve vreme slušao, pevao ili gledao na sve strane oko sebe, držeći se za stvari kao da je svet centrifuga koja se tako brzo okreće da bi on u svakom trenutku mogao da bude odbačen daleko od nas. | And we went to California and up and down the Pacific Coast for a day and a half, settling at last on the sands of Malibu to cook wieners at night. Dad was always listening or singing or watching things on all sides of him, holding onto things as if the world were a centrifuge going so swiftly that he might be flung off away from us at any instant. |
| Poslednjeg popodneva u Malibuu Mama je bila gore u hotelskoj sobi. Tata je dugo ležao na pesku pored mene na vrelom suncu. "Ah", uzdahnu on, "to je to." Oči su mu bile ovlaš sklopljene; ležao je na leđima, upijajući sunce. "Nedostaje ti ovo", reče. | The last afternoon at Malibu Mom was up in the hotel room. Dad lay on the sand beside me for a long time in the hot sun. “Ah,” he sighed, “this is it.” His eyes were gently closed; he lay on his back, drinking the sun. “You miss this,” he said. |
| Mislio je 'na raketi', naravno. Ali nikada nije govorio 'raketa' niti spominjao raketu i sve ono što ne možeš imati na raketi. Na raketi na možeš da imaš slan vetar, plavo nebo, niti žuto sunce, ni Mamino kuvanje. Ne možeš razgovarati sa svojim četrnaestogodišnjim sinom na raketi. | He meant “on the rocket,” of course. But he never said “the rocket” or mentioned the rocket and all the things you couldn’t have on the rocket. You couldn’t have a salt wind on the rocket or a blue sky or a yellow sun or Mom’s cooking. You couldn’t talk to your fourteen-year-old boy on a rocket. |
| "Da čujemo", reče najzad. | “Let’s hear it,” he said at last. |
| I znao sam da ćemo sada razgovarati, kao što smo uvek razgovarali, čitava tri sata. Celo popodne mrmorićemo o mojim školskim ocenama, koliko mogu da skočim uvis, koliko brzo plivam. | And I knew that now we would talk, as we had always talked, for three hours straight. All afternoon we would murmur back and forth in the lazy sun about my school grades, how high I could jump, how fast I could swim. |
| Tata bi klimnuo glavom svaki put kada bih ja progovorio i osmehivao se i lako me pljeskao po grudima u znak odobravanja. Razgovarali smo. Nismo pričali o raketama ili kosmosu, već o Meksiku; gde smo se jednom vozili u prastarim kolima, i o leptirima koje smo pohvatali u kišovitim šumama zelenog toplog Meksika u podne, dok su nam se oni u stotinama lepili, usisani, na hladnjak i tamo umirali, udarajući plavim i grimiznim krilima, u trzajima, lepi i tužni. Razgovarali smo o takvim stvarima umesto o stvarima o kojima sam ja želeo da razgovaramo. On me je slušao. To je on činio, kao da bi da se ispuni svim zvukom koji može čuti. Slušao je vetar i okean i moj glas, vazda sa ushićenom pažnjom, sa koncentracijom koja je gotovo isključivala sama fizička tela i zadržavala samo zvuke. Zatvarao je oči da bi slušao. Tako bih ga video kako sluša kosačicu dok šiša travu rukom umesto da koristi daljinsko upravljanje, i video bih ga kako miriše posečenu travu kada ona iza kosilice šikne u zelenom mlazu na njega. | Dad nodded each time I spoke and smiled and slapped my chest lightly in approval. We talked. We did not talk of rockets or space, but we talked of Mexico, where we had driven once in an ancient car, and of the butterflies we had caught in the rain forests of green warm Mexico at noon, seeing the hundred butterflies sucked to our radiator, dying there, beating their blue and crimson wings, twitching, beautiful, and sad. We talked of such Things instead of the things I wanted to talk about. And he listened to me. That was the thing he did, as if he was trying to fill himself up with all the sounds he could hear. He listened to the wind and the falling ocean and my voice, always with a rapt attention, a concentration that almost excluded physical bodies themselves and kept only the sounds. He shut his eyes to listen. I would see him listening to the lawn mower as he cut the grass by hand instead of using the remote-control device, and I would see him smelling the cut grass as it sprayed up at him behind the mower in a green fount. |
| "Dag", reče on oko pet popodne, kada smo pokupili peškire i vraćali se plažom pored velikog talasa uz obalu. "Hoću da mi obećaš nešto." | “Doug,” be said, about five in the afternoon, as we were picking up our towels and heading back along the beach near the surf, “I want you to promise me something.” |
| "Šta?" | “What?” |
| "Nikada nemoj biti Raketaš." | “Don’t ever be a Rocket Man.” |
| Stadoh. | I stopped. |
| "Stvarno mislim", reče on. "Zato što kada si tamo želiš da budeš ovde, a kada si ovde želiš da budeš tamo. Ne počinji to. Ne daj da te uhvati." | “I mean it,” he said. “Because when you’re out there you want to be here, and when you’re here you want to be out there. Don’t start that. Don’t let it get hold of you.” |
| "Ali..." | “But—” |
| "Ti ne znaš šta je to. Svaki put kad sam tamo gore mislim, 'ako se ikada vratim na Zemlju ostaću tamo; nikada više neću da idem.' Ali posle opet odlazim u kosmos i verovatno ću uvek odlaziti." | “You don’t know what it is. Every time I’m out there I think, If I ever get back to Earth I’ll stay there; I’ll never go out again. But I go out, and I guess I’ll always go out.” |
| "Ja već dugo razmišljam o tome da budem Raketaš", rekoh. | “I’ve thought about being a Rocket Man for a long time,” I said, |
| Nije me čuo. "Ja nastojim da ostanem ovde. Prošle subote kada sam došao kući počeo sam tako jako da se trudim da ostanem." | He didn’t hear me. “I try to stay here. Last Saturday when I got home I started trying so damned hard to stay here.” |
| Setio sam ga se u bašti, oznojenog, i sveg onog putovanja i svih stvari koje je činio i slušanja, i znao sam da on to čini da bi ubedio sebe da su more, gradovi i zemlja, i njegova porodica jedine prave stvari i dobre stvari. Ali znao sam gde će on biti večeras: gledaće u dragulje Oriona sa naše terase pred kućom. | I remembered him in the garden, sweating, and all the traveling and doing and listening, and I knew that he did this to convince himself that the sea and the towns and the land and his family were the only real things and the good things. But I knew where he would be tonight: looking at the jewelry in Orion from our front porch. |
| "Obećaj mi da nećeš biti kao ja", reče on. | “Promise me you won’t be like me,” he said. |
| Malo sam oklevao. "Okej", rekoh. | I hesitated awhile. “Okay,” I said. |
| On mi protrese ruku. "Dobar si dečko", reče. | He shook my hand. “Good boy,” he said. |
| Večera je bila dobra te večeri. Mama je trčala po kuhinji sa rukama punim testa i cimeta, zveckala loncima i šerpama, i sada se na stolu pušila velika ćurka, sa prelivom, sosom od ribizli, graškom, i bundevarom. | The dinner was fine that night. Mom had run about the kitchen with handfuls of cinnamon and dough and pots and pans tinkling, and now a great turkey fumed on the table, with dressing, cranberry sauce, peas, and pumpkin pie. |
| "Usred avgusta?" reče Tata, zadivljen. | “In the middle of August?” said Dad, amazed. |
| "Nećeš biti tu krajem novembra." | “You won’t be here for Thanksgiving.” |
| "Neću." | “So I won’t.” |
| Njuškao je. Podizao poklopce sa svih činija i puštao da mu para mirisom obavija suncem opaljeno lice. Reče 'Ah' na svaku činiju. Gledao je po sobi i po svojim rukama. Posmatrao slike na zidu, stolice, sto, mene, i Mamu. Pročisti grlo. Video sam kako se najzad odlučuje. "Lili?" | He sniffed it. He lifted each lid from each tureen and let the flavor steam over his sunburned face. He said “Ah” to each. He looked at the room and his hands. He gazed at the pictures on the wall, the chairs, the table, me, and Mom. He cleared his throat. I saw him make up his mind. “Lilly?” |
| "Da?" Mama pogleda preko stola koji je bila postavila kao prekrasnu srebrnu zamku, čudesnu jamu sa sosom od pečenja u koju će najzad, kao razbesnela zver iz prošlih vremena uhvaćena u jami sa katranom, možda upasti njen muž, i biti zadržan u njoj, da gleda kroz rešetke od jadaca, na sigurnom zauvek. Iz očiju su joj izbijale varnice. | “Yes?” Mom looked across her table which she had set like a wonderful silver trap, a miraculous gravy pit into which, like a struggling beast of the past caught in a tar pool, her husband might at last be caught and held, gazing out through a jail of wishbones, safe forever. Her eyes sparkled. |
| "Lili", reče Tata. | “Lilly,” said Dad. |
| Nastavi, mislio sam izbezumljeno. Kaži brzo: kaži da ćeš ostati ovog puta kod kuće, zauvek, i da nikada nećeš otići; kaži to! | Go on, I thought crazily. Say it, quick; say you’ll stay home this time, for good, and never go away; say it! |
| Upravo tada jedan helikopter u prolazu protrešta sobom i prozorska okna se zatresoše kristalnom zvekom. Tata baci pogled na prozor. | Just then a passing helicopter jarred the room and the windowpane shook with a crystal sound. Dad glanced at the window. |
| Tamo su bile plave večernje zvezde, a na istoku se dizala crvena planeta Mars. | The blue stars of evening were there, and the red planet Mars was rising in the East. |
| Tata je čitav minut gledao u Mars. Onda slepo ispruži ruku ka meni. "Mogu li dobiti malo graška?" reče. | Dad looked at Mars a full minute. Then he put his hand out blindly toward me. “May I have some peas,” he said. |
| "Oprostite", reče Majka. "Doneću hleba." | “Excuse me,” said Mother. “I’m going to get some bread.” |
| Onda izjuri u kuhinju. | She rushed out into the kitchen. |
| "Ali hleb je na stolu", rekoh. | “But there’s bread on the table,” I said. |
| Tata me ne pogleda kada poče da jede. | Dad didn’t look at me as he began his meal. |
| Te noći nisam mogao spavati. Siđem u jedan sat ujutru. Mesečina je poput leda pokrivala sve krovove, dok je rosa svetlucala kao sneg na našoj travi. Stajao sam u pidžami na vratima, osećao topli noćni vetar, kada shvatih da Tata sedi na mehaničkoj ljuljašci na terasi i lagano se ljulja. Video sam mu unazad zabačen profil, posmatrao je zvezde kako se kotrljaju nebom. Oči su mu bile kao siv kristal, u svakom oku bio je mesec. | I couldn’t sleep that night. I came downstairs at one in the morning and the moonlight was like ice on all the housetops, and dew glittered in a snow field on our grass. I stood in the doorway in my pajamas, feeling the warm night wind, and then I knew that Dad was sitting in the mechanical porch swing, gliding gently. I could see his profile tilted back, and he was watching the stars wheel over the sky. His eyes were like gray crystal there, the moon in each one. |
| Izađem i sednem kraj njega. | I went out and sat beside him. |
| Neko vreme smo se njihali u ljuljašci. | We glided awhile in the swing. |
| Najzad rekoh: "Na koliko načina se može umreti u svemiru?" | At last I said, “How many ways are there to die in space?” |
| "Na milion." | “A million.” |
| "Kaži neke." | “Name some.” |
| "Da te pogode meteori. Izađe ti vazduh iz rakete. Ili te komete ponesu sa sobom. Udar vazduha. Zadavljivanje. Eksplozija. Centrifugalna sila. I suviše veliko ubrzanje. I suviše malo. Vrućina, hladnoća, sunce, mesec, zvezde, planete, asteroidi, planetoidi, radijacija..." | “The meteors hit you. The air goes out of your rocket. Or comets take you along with them. Concussion. Strangulation. Explosion. Centrifugal force. Too much acceleration. Too little. The heat, the cold, the sun, the moon, the stars, the planets, the asteroids, the planetoids, radiation . . .” |
| "I da li te sahrane?" | “And do they bury you?” |
| "Nikada te ne nađu." | “They never find you.” |
| "Gde odeš?" | “Where do you go?” |
| "Na milijardu milja. Putujući grobovi, tako ih zovu. Postaneš meteor ili planetoid koji zauvek putuje svemirom." | “A billion miles away. Traveling graves, they call them. You become a meteor or a planetoid traveling forever through space.” |
| Ne rekoh ništa. | I said nothing. |
| "Ima jedna stvar", reče on kasnije, "u svemiru je to brzo. Smrt. Gotovo je dok treneš. Ne odugovlačiš. Najveći deo vremena čak i ne znaš za to. Mrtav si i tačka." Popesmo se na spavanje. | “One thing,” he said later, “it’s quick in space. Death. It’s over like that. You don’t linger. Most of the time you don’t even know it. You’re dead and that’s it.” We went up to bed. |
| Bilo je jutro. | It was morning. |
| Stojeći u vratima, Tata je slušao žutog kanarinca kako peva u svom zlatnom kavezu. | Standing in the doorway, Dad listened to the yellow canary singing in its golden cage. |
| "Pa, odlučio sam", reče on. "Sledeći put kad dođem kući, doći ću da ostanem." | “Well, I’ve decided,” he said. “Next time I come home, I’m home to stay.” |
| "Tata!" rekoh. | “Dad!” I said. |
| "Kaži to majci kada ustane", reče on. | “Tell your mother that when she gets up,” he said. |
| "Stvarno misliš!" | “You mean it!” |
| On ozbiljno klimnu glavom. "Vidimo se za oko tri meseca." | He nodded gravely. “See you in about three months.” |
| I ode ulicom sa svojom uniformom u onoj tajnoj kutiji, zviždeći i gledajući visoko zeleno drveće, kidajući bobice sa žbuna u hitrom prolazu, bacajući ih ispred sebe dok je zamicao u svetlu senku ranog jutra... | And there he went off down the street, carrying his uniform in its secret box, whistling and looking at the tall green trees and picking chinaberries off the chinaberry bush as he brushed by, tossing them ahead of him as he walked away into the bright shade of early morning. . . . |
| Pitao sam Majku o nekim stvarima tog jutra pošto je Otac bio na putu već nekoliko časova. "Tata je rekao da ti ponekad postupaš kao da ga ne čuješ i ne vidiš", rekoh. | I asked Mother about a few things that morning after Father had been gone a number of hours. “Dad said that sometimes you don’t act as if you hear or see him,” I said. |
| Onda mi ona mirno objasni sve. | And then she explained everything to me quietly. |
| "Kada se uputio u svemir pre deset godina, rekla sam sebi: 'Mrtav je.' Ili isto kao i da je mrtav. Zato misli na njega kao da je mrtav. I kada se vrati, tri ili četiri puta godišnje, to uopšte nije on, to je samo prijatno malo sećanje ili san. A ako prestane sećanje, ili san prestane, to ni upola toliko ne boli. Tako najveći deo vremena mislim o njemu kao da je mrtav." | “When he went off into space ten years ago, I said to myself, ‘He’s dead.’ Or as good as dead. So think of him dead. And when he comes back, three or four times a year, it’s not him at all, it’s only a pleasant little memory or a dream. And if a memory stops or a dream stops, it can’t hurt half as much. So most of the time I think of him dead——” |
| "Ali onda neki put..." | “But other times—” |
| "Neki put, šta mogu. Pečem pite i postupam sa njim kao da je živ, a to onda boli. Ne, bolje je misliti da već deset godina nije ovde i da ga više nikada neću videti. To ne boli toliko." | “Other times I can’t help myself. I bake pies and treat him as if he were alive, and then it hurts. No, it’s better to think he hasn’t been here for ten years and I’ll never see him again. It doesn’t hurt as much.” |
| "Zar nije rekao da će se sledećeg puta skrasiti?" | “Didn’t he say next time he’d settle down.” |
| Ona lagano zavrte glavom. "Ne, mrtav je. Vrlo sam sigurna u to." | She shook her head slowly. “No, he’s dead. I’m very sure of that.” |
| "Onda će on opet doći živ", rekoh. | “He’ll come alive again, then,” I said. |
| "Pre deset godina", reče Majka, "mislila sam, šta ako umre na Veneri? Onda više nikada nećemo biti u stanju da vidimo Veneru. Šta ako umre na Marsu? Nikada više nećemo moći da gledamo Mars, sav crven na nebu, a da ne poželimo da uđemo u kuću i zaključamo vrata. Ili šta ako umre na Jupiteru ili Saturnu ili Neptunu? Onih noći kada se te planete vide na nebu, ne bismo želeli da imamo ikakve veze sa zvezdama." | “Ten years ago,” said Mother, “I thought, What if he dies on Venus? Then we’ll never be able to see Venus again. What if he dies on Mars? We’ll never be able to look at Mars again, all red in the sky, without wanting to go in and lock the door. Or what if he died on Jupiter or Saturn or Neptune? On those nights when those planets were high in the sky, we wouldn’t want to have anything to do with the stars.” |
| "Mislim da ne bismo", rekoh. | “I guess not,” I said. |
| Sledećeg dana stiže poruka. | The message came the next day. |
| Kurir mi je dade i ja je pročitah stojeći na terasi. Sunce je zalazilo. Mama je stajala u mrežastim vratima iza mene, gledala me kako savijam poruku i stavljam je u džep. | The messenger gave it to me and I read it standing on the porch. The sun was setting. Mom stood in the screen door behind me, watching me fold the message and put it in my pocket. |
| "Mama", rekoh. | “Mom,” I said. |
| "Ne govori mi ništa što već ne znam", reče ona. | “Don’t tell me anything I don’t already know,” she said. |
| Nije plakala. | She didn’t cry. |
| E pa, nije ga ubio ni Mars ni Venera, a ni Jupiter niti Saturn. Nećemo morati da mislimo na njega svaki put kad Jupiter ili Saturn, ili Mars osvetle večernje nebo. | Well, it wasn’t Mars, and it wasn’t Venus, and it wasn’t Jupiter or Saturn that killed him. We wouldn’t have to think of him every time Jupiter or Saturn or Mars lit up the evening sky. |
| Bilo je to nešto drugo. | This was different. |
| Njegov brod pao je na Sunce. | His ship had fallen into the sun. |
| A Sunce je bilo veliko, i besomučno i nemilosrdno; i uvek je bilo na nebu i nisi mu mogao izmaći. | And the sun was big and fiery and merciless, and it was always in the sky and you couldn’t get away from it. |
| Tako je dugo vremena pošto je moj otac poginuo moja majka danju spavala i nije htela da izlazi. Doručkovali smo u ponoć, ručali u tri ujutru, a večerali u hladan i još mračan čas u šest ujutru. Odlazili smo na celonoćne predstave i išli na počinak sa izlaskom sunca. | So for a long time after my father died my mother slept through the days and wouldn’t go out. We had breakfast at midnight and lunch at three in the morning, and dinner at the cold dim hour of 6 A.M. We went to all-night shows and went to bed at sunrise. |
| I, dugo vremena, jedini dani kada smo izlazili u šetnju bili su dani kada je padala kiša i nije bilo sunca. | And, for a long while, the only days we ever went out to walk were the days when it was raining and there was no sun. |