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| NIKAKVA ODREĐENA NOĆ NITI JUTRO | No Particular Night or Morning |
| Za dva sata popušio je paklo cigareta. | HE HAD smoked a packet of cigarettes in two hours. |
| "Koliko smo odmakli u svemiru?" | “How far out in space are we?” |
| "Milijardu milja." | “A billion miles.” |
| "Milijardu milja odakle?" reče Hičkok. | “A billion miles from where?” said Hitchcock |
| "Sve zavisi", reče Klemens koji uopšte nije pušio. "Milijardu milja od kuće, mogao bi reći." | “It all depends,” said Clemens, not smoking at all. “A billion miles from home, you might say.” |
| "Pa onda reci." | “Then say it.” |
| "Od kuće. Od Zemlje. Njujorka. Čikaga. Odakle god da si bio." | “Home. Earth. New York. Chicago. Wherever you were from.” |
| "Više se i ne sećam", reče Hičkok. "Čak sada i ne verujem da postoji Zemlja, a ti?" | “I don’t even remember,” said Hitchcock. “I don’t even believe there is an Earth now, do you?” |
| "Da", reče Klemens. "Sanjao sam je jutros." | “Yes,” said Clemens. “I dreamt about it this morning.” |
| "Nema jutra u svemiru." | “There is no morning in space.” |
| "Onda u toku noći." | “During the night then.” |
| "Uvek je noć", reče mirno Hičkok. "Na koju noć misliš?" | “It’s always night,” said Hitchcock quietly. “Which night do you mean?” |
| "Zaveži", reče Klemens razdraženo. "Pusti me da završim." Hičkok zapali još jednu cigaretu. Ruka mu se nije tresla, ali je izgledalo kao da unutra, u suncem opaljenom mesu, drhti sama za sebe, u svakoj ruci kao da je bila mala nevidljiva drhtavica, a u telu veliko nevidljivo drhtanje. Dvojica ljudi sedela su na podu hodnika za osmatranje i gledala napolje u zvezde. Klemensu su oči blistale, dok Hičkokove nisu bile usredsređene ni na šta; bile su prazne i zbunjene. | “Shut up,” said Clemens irritably. “Let me finish.” Hitchcock lit another cigarette. His hand did not shake, but it looked as if, inside the sunburned flesh, it might be tremoring all to itself, a small tremor in each hand and a large invisible tremor in his body. The two men sat on the observation corridor floor, looking out at the stars. Clemens’s eyes flashed, but Hitchcock’s eyes focused on nothing; they were blank and puzzled. |
| "Probudio sam se sam u 05.00", reče Hičkok, kao da govori svojoj desnoj ruci. "I čujem sebe kako vrištim, "Gde sam? Gde sam?" I odgovor: "Nigde!" Pa kažem: "Gde sam bio?" Pa kažem: "Na Zemlji!" "Šta je to Zemlja?" pitam se. "Tamo gde sam rođen", kažem. Ali to nije bilo ništa, i još je gore nego ništa. Ne verujem ni u šta što ne mogu da vidim ili da čujem ili da dodirnem. Zemlju ne mogu da vidim, zašto bih onda verovao u nju. Sigurnije je ovako, ne verovati." | “I woke up at 0500 hours myself,” said Hitchcock, as if he were talking to his right hand. “And I heard myself screaming, ‘Where am I? where am I?’ And the answer was ‘Nowhere!’ And I said, ‘Where’ve I been?’ And I said, ‘Earth!’ ‘What’s Earth?’ I wondered. ‘Where I was born,’ I said. But it was nothing and worse than nothing. I don’t believe in anything I can’t see or hear or touch. I can’t see Earth, so why should I believe in it? It’s safer this way, not to believe.” |
| "Zemlja postoji." Klemens pokaza prstom i osmehnu se. "To je ona svetla tačka tamo." | “There’s Earth.” Clemens pointed, smiling. “That point of light there.” |
| "To nije Zemlja; to je naše sunce. Odavde ne možeš videti Zemlju." | “That’s not Earth; that’s our sun. You can’t see Earth from here.” |
| "Ja mogu da je vidim. Imam dobro pamćenje." | “I can see it. I have a good memory. |
| "To nije isto, budalo", odjednom reče Hičkok. U glasu mu se osećala ljutina. "Ja mislim stvarno da je vidiš. Uvek sam bio takav. Kada sam u Bostonu, Njujork je mrtav. Kada sam u Njujorku, Boston je mrtav. Kad čoveka ne vidim jedan dan, on je mrtav. Kada dolazi ulicom, moj Bože, to je onda uskrsnuće. Gotovo da zaigram, toliko mi je drago što ga vidim. Tako sam bar činio. Više ne igram. Samo gledam. I kada čovek ode, opet je mrtav." | “It’s not the same, you fool,” said Hitchcock suddenly. There was a touch of anger in his voice. “I mean see it. I’ve always been that way. When I’m in Boston, New York is dead. When I’m in New York, Boston is dead. When I don’t see a man for a day, he’s dead. When he comes walking down the street, my God, it’s a resurrection. I do a dance, almost, I’m so glad to see him. I used to, anyway. I don’t dance any more. I just look. And when the man walks off, he’s dead again.” |
| Klemens se nasmeja. "Stvar je jednostavno u tome da tvoj mozak radi na jednom primitivnom nivou. Ti ne možeš da se držiš stvari. Nemaš mašte, stari. Moraš da naučiš da se zadržavaš na stvarima." | Clemens laughed. “It’s simply that your mind works on a primitive level. You can’t hold to things. You’ve got no imagination, Hitchcock old man. You’ve got to learn to hold on.” |
| "Zašto bih se držao stvari koje ne mogu koristiti?" reče Hičkok, širom otvorenih očiju, zagledan u svemir. "Ja sam praktičan. Ako ovde nema Zemlje da šetam po njoj, ti želiš da hodam po sećanju? To boli. Sećanja su, kako jednom reče moj otac, kao ježevi. Neka idu do đavola! Drži se podalje od njih. Unesrećuju te. Kvare ti posao. Teraju te na plač." | “Why should I hold onto things I can’t use?” said Hitchcock, his eyes wide, still staring into space. “I’m practical. If Earth isn’t here for me to walk on, you want me to walk on a memory? That hurts. Memories, as my father once said, are porcupines. To hell with them! Stay away from them. They make you unhappy. They ruin your work. They make you cry.” |
| "Ja baš sada hodam na Zemlji", reče Klemens, žmirkajući, ispuštajući dim. | “I’m walking on Earth right now,” said Clemens, squinting to himself, blowing smoke. |
| "Šutiraš te ježeve. Posle nećeš moći da ručaš pa ćeš se čuditi zašto", reče Hičkok mrtvim glasom. "A to će biti zato što si nogu napunio bodljama pa te to boli. Do đavola s tim! Ako ne mogu da je popijem, uštinem, munem, legnem na nju, onda batali stvar. Mrtav sam ja za Zemlju. I ona je mrtva za mene. Nema nikog da plače za mnom u Njujorku večeras. Mani Njujork. Ovde nema nikakvog godišnjeg doba; zima i leto su nestali. Nema ni proleća ni jeseni. Nije nikakvo određeno veče niti jutro; svemir i svemir. Jedino što upravo sada jeste, to smo ti i ja i ovaj raketni brod. I jedina stvar u koju sam siguran sam ja. To je sve." | “You’re kicking porcupines. Later in the day you won’t be able to eat lunch, and you’ll wonder why,” said Hitchcock in a dead voice. “And it’ll be because you’ve got a footful of quills aching in you. To hell with it! If I can’t drink it, pinch it, punch it, or lie on it, then I say drop it in the sun. I’m dead to Earth. It’s dead to me. There’s no one in New York weeping for me tonight. Shove New York. There isn’t any season here; winter and summer are gone. So is spring, and autumn. It isn’t any particular night or morning; it’s space and space. The only thing right now is you and me and this rocket ship. And the only thing I’m positive of is me. That’s all of it.” |
| Klemens uopšte nije obraćao pažnju. "Baš sada stavljam deset centi u telefon", reče izvodeći pantomimu uz lagan osmeh. "I zovem moju devojku u Ivenstonu. Halo, Barbara!" | Clemens ignored this. “I’m putting a nickel in the phone slot right now,” he said, pantomiming it with a slow smile. “And calling my girl in Evanston. Hello, Barbara!” |
| Raketa je jedrila dalje svemirom. | The rocket sailed on through space. |
| Zvono za ručak zazvoni u 13.05. Ljudi su trčali u mekim patikama sa gumenim đonovima i sedali za tapacirane stolove. | The lunch bell rang at 1305 hours. The men ran by on soft rubber sneakers and sat at the cushioned tables. |
| Klemens nije bio gladan. | Clemens wasn’t hungry. |
| "Vidiš, šta sam ti rekao!" reče Hičkok. "Ti i tvoji prokleti ježevi! Ostavi ih na miru, kao što sam ti kazao. Pogledaj me, satirem hranu." To reče mehanički, sporim i neveselim glasom. "Gledaj me." Stavi veliki komad pite u usta i opipa ga jezikom. Gledao je u pitu na tanjiru kao da bi da vidi kako je napravljena. Pomeri je viljuškom. Opipavao je dršku viljuške. Gnječio nadev od limuna i gledao ga kako prolazi između zubaca. Onda opipa jednu bocu mleka od dna do vrha i nali mleko u čašu, slušajući ga kako klokoće. Gledao je mleko kao da bi da ga još više izbeli. Ispi ga tako brzo da mu nije mogao osetiti ukus. Pojeo je ceo ručak za nekoliko minuta, grozničavo ga trpajući u sebe, i sada se ogledao unaokolo tražeći još, ali više nije bilo. Zagleda se kroz prozor rakete, bez izraza u očima. "Ni one nisu stvarne", reče. | “See, what did I tell you!” said Hitchcock. “You and your damned porcupines! Leave them alone, like I told you. Look at me, shoveling away food.” He said this with a mechanical, slow, and unhumorous voice. “Watch me.” He put a big piece of pie in his mouth and felt it with his tongue. He looked at the pie on his plate as if to see the texture. He moved it with his fork. He felt the fork handle. He mashed the lemon filling and watched it jet up between the tines. Then he touched a bottle of milk all over and poured out half a quart into a glass, listening to it. He looked at the milk as if to make it whiter. He drank the milk so swiftly that he couldn’t have tasted it. He had eaten his entire lunch in a few minutes, cramming it in feverishly, and now he looked around for more, but it was gone. He gazed out the window of the rocket, blankly. “Those aren’t real, either,” he said. |
| "Šta?" zapita Klemens. | “What?” asked Clemens. |
| "Zvezde. Ko je ikada dodirnuo zvezdu? Mogu ih videti, sigurno, ali šta vredi videti nešto što je milion ili milijardu milja daleko? Sve što je toliko daleko nije vredno razmišljanja." | “The stars. Who’s ever touched one? I can see them, sure, but what’s the use of seeing a thing that’s a million or a billion miles away? Anything that far off isn’t worth bothering with.” |
| "Zašto si pošao na ovaj put?" odjednom zapita Klemens. | “Why did you come on this trip?” asked Clemens suddenly. |
| Hičkok je piljio u svoju začuđujuće praznu čašu od mleka, pa je stište, onda olabavi ruku, pa je opet stište. "Ne znam." Prelazio je jezikom po ivici čaše. "Prosto sam morao, eto. Kako ti znaš zašto išta činiš u životu?" | Hitchcock peered into his amazingly empty milk glass and clenched it tight, then relaxed his hand and clenched it again. “I don’t know.” He ran his tongue on the glass rim. “I just had to, is all. How do you know why you do anything in this life?” |
| "Sviđala ti se ideja o putovanju u svemir? Da ideš na razna mesta?" | “You liked the idea of space travel? Going places?” |
| "Ne znam. Da. Ne. Ne da idem na mesta. Da budem između." Po prvi put Hičkok pokuša da usredsredi oči na nešto, ali je to bilo toliko maglovito i tako daleko, da oči nisu mogle da mu se prilagode, iako se trudio i licem i rukama. "Najvećim delom svemir. Toliki prostor. Dopadala mi se pomisao da ništa nema na vrhu, ništa na dnu; i puno ničega između toga, a ja u sredini tog ničega." | “I don’t know. Yes. No. It wasn’t going places. It was being between.” Hitchcock for the first time tried to focus his eyes upon something, but it was so nebulous and far off that his eyes couldn’t make the adjustment, though he worked his face and hands. “Mostly it was space. So much space. I liked the idea of nothing on top, nothing on the bottom, and a lot of nothing in between, and me in the middle of the nothing.” |
| "Još nikada nisam čuo da se to tako kaže." | “I never heard it put that way before.” |
| "Ja samo to tako kažem; nadam se da si slušao." | “I just put it that way; I hope you listened.” |
| Hičkok izvadi cigarete, zapali i stade da vuče i ispušta dimove; iznova i iznova. | Hitchcock took out his cigarettes and lit up and began to suck and blow the smoke, again and again. |
| Klemens reče: "kakvo si detinjstvo proveo, Hičkok?" | Clemens said, “What sort of childhood did you have, Hitchcock?” |
| "Nikada nisam bio mlad. Ko god da sam bio, umro sam. To je više od tvojih bodljica. Ne želim da mi se napuni cela koža, hvala lepo. Uvek sam zamišljao kao da umireš svakog dana, a svaki dan je jedna kutija, vidiš, i svaka kutija je sređena i ima broj; ali nikad se ne vraćaj i ne diži poklopce, zato što si umro nekoliko hiljadu puta u životu, a to je mnogo leševa, svaki mrtav na drugačiji način, svaki sa jednim gorim izrazom. Svakog od tih dana si jedan različit ti, neko koga ne poznaješ ili ne shvataš, ili ne želiš da shvatiš." | “I was never young. Whoever I was then is dead. That’s more of your quills. I don’t want a hide full, thanks. I’ve always figured it that you die each day and each day is a box, you see, all numbered and neat; but never go back and lift the lids, because you’ve died a couple of thousand times in your life, and that’s a lot of corpses, each dead a different way, each with a worse expression. Each of those days is a different you, somebody you don’t know or understand or want to understand.” |
| "Tako sam sebe odsecaš." | “You’re cutting yourself off, that way.” |
| "Zašto bih ja išta imao sa tim mlađim Hičkokom? On je bio budala i muvali su ga i iskorišćavali i upotrebljavali. Otac mu nije valjao, a bilo mu je drago kad mu je majka umrla, jer je bila ista. Treba li da se vraćam i da mu vidim lice toga dana, da se mirim nad njim? On je bio budala." | “Why should I have anything to do with that younger Hitchcock? He was a fool, and he was yanked around and taken advantage of and used. His father was no good, and he was glad when his mother died, because she was the same. Should I go back and see his face on that day and gloat over it? He was a fool.” |
| "Svi smo mi budale", reče Klemens, "sve vreme. Samo od druge vrste svakoga dana. Mislimo, danas nisam budala. Naučio sam svoje. Juče sam bio budala, ali jutros ne. Onda sutradan saznao da smo i danas, jeste, bili budale. Mislim da je jedini način da rastemo i uspemo na ovom svetu da prihvatimo činjenicu da nismo savršeni i da živimo u skladu s tim." | “We’re all fools,” said Clemens, “all the time. It’s just we’re a different kind each day. We think, I’m not a fool today. I’ve learned my lesson. I was a fool yesterday but not this morning. Then tomorrow we find out that, yes, we were a fool today too. I think the only way we can grow and get on in this world is to accept the fact we’re not perfect and live accordingly.” |
| "Ne želim da se sećam nesavršenih stvari", reče Hičkok. "Ne mogu se rukovati sa tim mlađim Hičkokom, je l' tako? Gde je on? Možeš li da mi ga nađeš? On je mrtav, zato neka se nosi bestraga! Ono što činim sutra neću da uobličavam nekom bedom koju sam učinio juče." | “I don’t want to remember imperfect things,” said Hitchcock. “I can’t shake hands with that younger Hitchcock, can I? Where he? Can you find him for me? He’s dead, so to hell with him! I won’t shape what I do tomorrow by some lousy thing I did yesterday.” |
| "Pogrešno ti je to." | “You’ve got it wrong.” |
| "Pa neka mi bude." Hičkok je sedeo završivši sa jelom i gledao kroz ulaz. Ostali su ga pogledali. | “Let me have it then.” Hitchcock sat, finished with his meal, looking out the port. The other men glanced at him. |
| "Postoje li meteori?" zapita Hičkok. | “Do meteors exist?” asked Hitchcock. |
| "Pa znaš dobro da postoje." | “You know damn well they do.” |
| "Na našim radarima - da, kao linije svetlosti u prostoru. Ne, ne verujem ja ni u šta što ne postoji i ne radi u mom prisustvu. Ponekad", klimnu glavom prema ljudima koji su završavali jelo, "ponekad ne verujem ni u koga i ni u šta osim u sebe." Uspravi se na stolici. "Ima li ovaj brod gornji nivo?" | “In our radar machines—yes, as streaks of light in space. No, I don’t believe in anything that doesn’t exist and act in my presence. Sometimes”—he nodded at the men finishing their food—”sometimes I don’t believe in anyone or anything but me.” He sat up. “Is there an upstairs to this ship?” |
| "Da." | “Yes.” |
| "Moram odmah da ga vidim." | “I’ve got to see it immediately.” |
| "Ne uzbuđuj se." | “Don’t get excited.” |
| "Vi čekajte ovde; odmah ću se vratiti." Hičkok brzo izađe. Ostali su sedeli i polako žvakali hranu. Prođe trenutak. Jedan od ljudi podiže glavu. "Koliko dugo ovo već traje? Mislim na Hičkoka." | “You wait here; I’ll be right back.” Hitchcock walked out swiftly. The other men sat nibbling their food slowly. A moment passed. One of the men raised his head. “How long’s this been going on? I mean Hitchcock.” |
| "Danas je počeo." | “Just today.” |
| "Čudno se ponašao i pre neki dan." | “He acted funny the other day too.” |
| "Jeste, ali danas je gore." | “Yes, but it’s worse today.” |
| "Je li neko rekao psihijatru?" | “Has anyone told the psychiatrist?” |
| "Mislili smo da će ga proći. Svako malo oseti svemir kada prvi put izađe. I ja sam. Uhvati te neko ludačko filosofiranje, onda se prestraviš. Probije te znoj, pa onda sumnjaš u svoje poreklo, ne veruješ u Zemlju, napiješ se, probudiš se mamuran, i gotovo." | “We thought he’d come out of it. Everyone has a little touch of space the first time out. I’ve had it. You get wildly philosophical, then frightened. You break into a sweat, then you doubt your parentage, you don’t believe in Earth, you get drunk, wake up with a hang-over, and that’s it.” |
| "Ali Hičkok se ne napija", reče neko, "voleo bi ja da se on napije." | “But Hitchcock don’t get drunk,” said someone. “I wish he would.” |
| "Kako li on to prođe kroz ispitnu komisiju?" | “How’d he ever get past the examining board?” |
| "Kako smo svi mi prošli? Trebaju im ljudi. Većina ljudi beži od kosmosa k'o đavo od krsta. Zato komisija propusti mnoge koji nisu ni tamo, ni amo." | “How’d we all get past? They need men. Space scares the hell out of most people. So the board lets a lot of borderlines through.” |
| "Taj čovek nije ni tamo ni amo", reče neko. "On je otkačen." | “That man isn’t a borderline,” said someone. “He’s a fall-off-a-cliff-and-no-bottom-to-hit.” |
| Čekali su pet minuta. Hičkok se ne vrati. Klemens se najzad diže od stola, izađe i pope se uz kružne stepenice na gornju palubu. Tu je bio Hičkok, i pažljivo pipao po zidu. | They waited for five minutes. Hitchcock didn’t come back. Clemens finally got up and went out and climbed the circular stair to the flight deck above. Hitchcock was there, touching the wall tenderly. |
| "Ovde je", reče on. | “It’s here,” he said. |
| "Naravno da jeste." | “Of course it is.” |
| "Plašio sam se da možda nije." Hičkok je zurio u Klemensa. "I ti si živ." | “I was afraid it might not be.” Hitchcock peered at Clemens. “And you’re alive.” |
| "Već dugo sam živ." | “I have been for a long time.” |
| "Ne", reče Hičkok. "Sada, upravo sada, ovog trenutka, dok si sa mnom, ti si živ. Pre jednog trenutka nisi bio ništa." | “No,” said Hitchcock. “Now, just now, this instant, while you’re here with me, you’re alive. A moment ago you weren’t anything.” |
| "Bio sam za sebe", reče onaj drugi. "To nije važno. Nisi bio ovde sa mnom." reče Hičkok. "Samo to je važno." | “I was to me,” said the other. “That’s not important. You weren’t here with me,” said Hitchcock. “Only that’s important. |
| "Je li posada dole?" "Da." | Is the crew down below?” “Yes.” |
| "Možeš li to da dokažeš?" | “Can you prove it?” |
| "Slušaj, Hičkok, bolje da odeš do Dr. Edvardsa. Mislim da treba da ideš malo na servis." | “Look, Hitchcock, you’d better see Dr. Edwards. I think you need a little servicing.” |
| "Ne, ja sam dobro. A ko je pa taj doktor? Možeš li da dokažeš da je na ovom brodu?" | “No, I’m all right. Who’s the doctor, anyway? Can you prove he’s on this ship?” |
| "Mogu. Samo da ga zovnem." | “I can. All I have to do is call him." |
| "Ne. Mislim dok stojiš ovde, u ovom trenutku, ti ne možeš da dokažeš da je on ovde, je l' tako?" | “No. I mean, standing here, in this instant, you can’t prove he’s here, can you?” |
| "Ne, a da se ne pokrenem; ne mogu." | “Not without moving, I can’t.” |
| "Vidiš. Nemaš nikakav duhovni dokaz. To ja hoću, mentalni dokaz koji mogu osetiti. Ne želim fizički dokaz, da moraš da izađeš i da ga dovučeš ovamo. Želim dokaz koji možeš nositi u glavi i uvek dodirnuti i omirisati i osetiti. Ali za to nema načina. Da bi verovao u neku stvar moraš je nositi sa sobom. Ne možeš nositi Zemlju, ili čoveka u džepu. Želim da pronađem način kako bih to činio, da nosim stalno stvari sa sobom, da bih mogao da verujem u njih. Koliko je samo nespretno to što moraš da izlaziš i unosiš nešto strahovito fizičko da bi nešto dokazao. Mrzim fizičke stvari zato što se mogu ostaviti za sobom i što je posle nemoguće verovati u njih." | “You see. You have no mental evidence. That’s what I want, a mental evidence I can feel. I don’t want physical evidence, proof you have to go out and drag in. I want evidence that you can carry in your mind and always touch and smell and feel. But there’s no way to do that. In order to believe in a thing you’ve got to carry it with you. You can’t carry the Earth, or a man, in your pocket. I want a way to do that, carry things with me always, so I can believe in them. How clumsy to have to go to all the trouble of going out and bringing in something terribly physical to prove something. I hate physical things because they can be left behind and become impossible to believe in then.” |
| "To su pravila igre." | “Those are the rules of the game.” |
| "Ja želim da ih promenim. Zar ne bi bilo lepo ako bismo mogli da stvari dokazujemo umom, i zasigurno znali da su one uvek na svom mestu. Voleo bih da znam kako neko mesto izgleda kada ja nisam tamo. Voleo bih da budem siguran." | “I want to change them. Wouldn’t it be fine if we could prove things with our mind, and know for certain that things are always in their place. I’d like to know what a place is like when I’m not there. I’d like to be sure.” |
| "To nije moguće." | “That’s not possible.” |
| "Znaš", reče Hičkok, "prvi put mi je palo na pamet da dođem u svemir pre oko pet godina. Nekako kad sam ostao bez posla. Jesi li znao da želim da budem pisac? Oh da, jedan od onih ljudi koji večito pričaju o pisanju, ali retko da pišu. I koji su i suviše vatreni. Tako sam izgubio dobar posao i otišao iz izdavačke delatnosti, i nisam mogao da dobijem drugi posao pa tako nastavim nizbrdo. Onda mi umre žena. Vidiš, ništa ne ostane tamo gde si ga stavio - materijalnim stvarima ne možeš verovati. Morao sam sina da poverim staranju jedne tetke, i stvari se pogoršaju; zatim sam jednog dana dao da se objavi priča sa mojim imenom, ali to nisam bio ja." | “You know,” said Hitchcock, “I first got the idea of coming out into space about five years ago. About the time I lost my job. Did you know I wanted to be a writer? Oh yes, one of those men who always talk about writing but rarely write. And too much temper. So I lost my good job and left the editorial business and couldn’t get another job and went on down hill. Then my wife died. You see, nothing stays where you put it—you can’t trust material things. I had to put my boy in an aunt’s trust, and things got worse; then one day I had a story published with my name on it, but it wasn’t me.” |
| "Ne razumem te." | “I don’t get you.” |
| Hičkok je bio bled u licu i znojio se. | Hitchcock’s face was pale and sweating. |
| "Mogu samo da kažem da sam pogledao u stranicu sa mojim imenom ispod naslova. Od Džozefa Hičkoka. Ali to je bio neki drugi čovek. Nije bilo načina da se dokaže - stvarno dokaže, istinski dokaže - da sam taj čovek ja. Priča je bila poznata - znao sam da sam je ja napisao ali ono ime na papiru ipak nisam bio ja. To je bio simbol, ime. Tuđe. I onda sam shvatio da čak i da sam uspeo u pisanju to meni ne bi značilo ništa, zato što ne bih mogao da se poistovetim sa tim imenom. To bi bio gar i pepeo. Zato više nisam ni pisao. Ionako nikada nisam bio siguran da su priče koje sam imao u stolu nekoliko dana kasnije moje, mada sam se sećao kako sam ih kucao. Uvek je tu bio taj jaz dokaza. Taj jaz između činim i učinio sam. Ono što je učinjeno mrtvo je i nije dokaz, jer to nije akcija. Važne su samo akcije. A komadi papira bili su ostaci učinjenih i završenih akcija koje se sada više ne vide. | “I can only say that I looked at the page with my name under the title. By Joseph Hitchcock. But it was some other man. There was no way to prove—actually prove, really prove—that that man was me. The story was familiar—I knew I had written it—but that name on the paper still was not me. It was a symbol, a name. It was alien. And then I realized that even if I did become successful at writing, it would never mean a thing to me, because I couldn’t identify myself with that name. It would be soot and ashes. So I didn’t write any more. I was never sure, anyway, that the stories I had in my desk a few days later were mine, though I remembered typing them. There was always that gap of proof. That gap between doing and having done. What is done is dead and is not proof, for it is not an action. Only actions are important. And pieces of paper were remains of actions done and over and now unseen. |
| Sa dokazom činjenja bilo je svršeno. Nije ostalo ništa osim sećanja, a ja nisam imao poverenja u svoje pamćenje. Da li sam stvarno mogao dokazati da sam napisao te priče? Ne. Može li ijedan autor? Ja mislim na dokaz. Mislim na akciju kao dokaz. Ne. Zaista ne može. Ne, osim ako ti neko ne sedi u sobi dok kucaš, a ti to onda možda radiš po sećanju. A kada se stvar završi nema dokaza, samo sećanje. Tako sam onda počeo da nalazim praznine između svega. Sumnjao sam da sam oženjen, i da imam dete, ili da sam ikada u životu imao posao. Sumnjao sam da sam rođen u Ilinoisu i da sam imao pijanog oca i majku svinju od žene. Nisam mogao ništa da dokažem. Jeste, ljudi bi mogli da kažu: 'Takav si i takav, i ovakav i onakav', ali to nije bilo ništa." | The proof of doing was over and done. Nothing but memory remained, and I didn’t trust my memory. Could I actually prove I’d written these stories? No. Can any author? I mean proof. I mean action as proof. No. Not really. Not unless someone sits in the room while you type, and then maybe you’re doing it from memory. And once a thing is accomplished there is no proof, only memory. So then I began to find gaps between everything. I doubted I was married or had a child or ever had a job in my life. I doubted that I had been born in Illinois and had a drunken father and swinish mother. I couldn’t prove anything. Oh yes, people could say, ‘You are thus and so and such and such,’ but that was nothing.” |
| "Trebalo bi da se maneš takvih misli", reče Klemens. "Ne mogu. Sve te rupe i praznine. Tako sam i počeo da mislim o zvezdama. Mislio sam kako će mi se dopasti da budem u raketnom brodu u svemiru, u ničemu, u ničemu, da idem dalje u ništa, sa samo nečim tanušnim, tankom ljuskom od metala što me drži, da se udaljavam od svega - nečega sa rupama u sebi što ne može sebe da dokaže. Znao sam tada da je svemir jedina sreća za mene. Kada stignem na Aldebaran II potpisaću da se vraćam petogodišnjim putem na Zemlju, pa ću tako da šetam tamo i nazad kao ping-pong loptica sve do kraja života." | “You should get your mind off stuff like that,” said Clemens. “I can’t. All the gaps and spaces. And that’s how I got to thinking about the stars. I thought how I’d like to be in a rocket ship, in space, in nothing, in nothing, going on into nothing, with just a thin something, a thin eggshell of metal holding me, going on away from all the somethings with gaps in them that couldn’t prove themselves. I knew then that the only happiness for me was space. When I get to Aldebaran II I’ll sign up to return on the five-year journey to Earth and so go back and forth like a shuttlecock all the rest of my life.” |
| "Jesi li razgovarao o tome sa psihijatrom?" | “Have you talked about this to the psychiatrist?” |
| "Da bi on pokušao da mi zamalteriše te praznine, da ispuni rupe bukom i toplom vodom i rečima i šakama koje me opipavaju, i tako to? Hvala lepo." Hičkok zastade. "Pogoršava mi se stanje, je li tako? Mislio sam. Jutros kad sam se probudio, pomislim - gore mi je. Ili bolje?" Opet zastade i uperi oprezan pogled u Klemensa. "Jesi li tamo? Jesi li stvarno tu? Hajde, dokaži." | “So he could try to mortar up the gaps for me, fill in the gulfs with noise and warm water and words and hands touching me, and all that? No, thanks.” Hitchcock stopped. “I’m getting worse, aren’t I? I thought so. This morning when I woke up I thought, I’m getting worse. Or is it better?” He paused again and cocked an eye at Clemens. “Are you there? Are you really there? Go on, prove it.” |
| Klemens ga pljesnu po ruci, jako. | Clemens slapped him on the arm, hard. |
| "Da", reče Hičkok trljajući ruku, detaljno je zagledajući, sa čuđenjem, uze da je masira. "Bio si tu. Kratak delić trenutka. Ali pitam se da li jesi - sada." | “Yes,” said Hitchcock, rubbing his arm, looking at it very thoroughly, wonderingly, massaging it. “You were there. For a brief fraction of an instant. But I wonder if you are—now. |
| "Vidimo se kasnije", reče Klemens. Pođe da traži doktora i udalji se. | “See you later,” said Clemens. He was on his way to find the doctor. He walked away. |
| Zazvoni jedno zvono. Zazvoniše dva zvona, tri zvona. Brod se zaljulja, kao da ga je ošamarila neka ruka. Začu se zvuk usisavanja, zvuk uključenog usisivača za prašinu. Klemens je čuo krikove i oseti kako se vazduh razređuje. Vazduh mu je šištao oko ušiju. Odjednom mu u nosu i u plućima nije bilo ničega. On se spotače, i tada šištanje prestade. | A bell rang. Two bells, three bells rang. The ship rocked as if a hand had slapped it. There was a sucking sound, the sound of a vacuum cleaner turned on. Clemens heard the screams and felt the air thin. The air hissed away about his ears. Suddenly there was nothing in his nose or lungs. He stumbled and then the hissing stopped. |
| Čuo je nekoga kako viče. "Meteor." Jedan drugi glas reče: "Zakrpljeno je!" To je bilo tačno. Brodski pauk za hitne intervencije, pretrčavajući spolja preko školjke prilepio je vrelu zakrpu na rupu u metalu i čvrsto je zavario. | He heard someone cry, “A meteor.” Another said, “It’s patched!” And this was true. The ship’s emergency spider, running over the outside of the hull, had slapped a hot patch on the hole in the metal and welded it tight. |
| Neko je govorio i govorio, zatim počinjao da viče u daljini. Klemens potrča hodnikom kroz osvežavajući, zgušnjujući vazduh. Pri skretanju vide rupu u čeličnom zidu, sveže zapušenu; vide krhotine meteora kako leže po sobi kao komadi kakve igračke. Video je kapetana i članove posade i jednog čoveka kako leži na podu. Čovek je bio Hičkok. Oči su mu bile zatvorene, i plakao je. "Pokušao je da me ubije", neprekidno je ponavljao. "Pokušao je da me ubije." Podigoše ga na noge. "To ne mogu učiniti", reče Hičkok. "To nije kako treba. Ne mogu se događati takve stvari, je li tako? Ušao je za mnom. Zašto je to učinio?" | Someone was talking and talking and then beginning to shout at a distance. Clemens ran along the corridor through the freshening, thickening air. As he turned in at a bulkhead he saw the hole in the steel wall, freshly sealed; he saw the meteor fragments lying about the room like bits of a toy. He saw the captain and the members of the crew and a man lying on the floor. It was Hitchcock. His eyes were closed and he was crying. “It tried to kill me,” he said, over and over. “It tried to kill me.” They got him on his feet. “It can’t do that,” said Hitchcock. “That’s not how it should be. Things like that can’t happen, can they? It came in after me. Why did it do that?” |
| "Dobro, dobro, Hičkok", reče kapetan. | “All right, all right Hitchcock,” said the captain. |
| Doktor je previjao malu posekotinu na Hičkokovoj ruci. Hičkok podiže pogled, bleda lica, i vide Klemensa kako ga brižno posmatra. "Pokušao je da me ubije", reče on poluglasno. | The doctor was bandaging a small cut on Hitchcock’s arm. Hitchcock looked up, his face pale, and saw Clemens there looking at him. “It tried to kill me,” he said. |
| "Znam", reče Klemens. | “I know,” said Clemens. |
| Prođe sedamnaest časova. Brod je išao dalje kroz svemir. | Seventeen hours passed. The ship moved on in space. |
| Klemens kroči kroz jedan pregradni zid i sačeka. Tu su bili psihijatar i kapetan. Hičkok je sedeo na podu sa nogama privučenim uz grudi, obujmivši ih čvrsto rukama. | Clemens stepped through a bulkhead and waited. The psychiatrist and the captain were there. Hitchcock sat on the floor with his legs drawn up to his chest, arms wrapped tight about them. |
| "Hičkok", reče kapetan. | “Hitchcock,” said the captain. |
| Nema odgovora. | No answer. |
| "Hičkok slušaj me", reče psihijatar. | “Hitchcock, listen to me,” said the psychiatrist. |
| Okrenuše se Klemensu. "Ti si mu prijatelj?" | They turned to Clemens. “You’re his friend?” |
| "Da." | “Yes.” |
| "Hoćeš li da nam pomogneš?" | “Do you want to help us?” |
| "Ako mogu." | “If I can.” |
| "Taj prokleti meteor", reče kapetan. "Ovo se možda ne bi desilo da nije bilo toga." | “It was that damned meteor,” said the captain. “This might not have happened if it hadn’t been for that.” |
| "Desilo bi se svakako, kad-tad", reče doktor. Onda se obrati Klemensu: "Mogao bi da razgovaraš s njim." | “It would’ve come anyway, sooner or later,” said the doctor. To Clemens: “You might talk to him.” |
| Klemens mirno priđe, čučnu uz Hičkoka i stade da ga blago drma za ruku, pozivajući ga tihim glasom. "Čuj, Hičkok." | Clemens walked quietly over and crouched by Hitchcock and began to shake his arm gently, calling in a low voice, “Hey there, Hitchcock.” |
| Nema odgovora. | No reply. |
| "Hej, to sam ja. Ja, Klemens", reče Klemens. "Slušaj evo me." Šljepnu ga po ruci. Masirao je ukrućeni vrat, nežno, i zatiljak pognute glave. Baci pogled na psihijatra, koji vrlo tiho uzdahnu. Kapetan sleže ramenima. | “Hey, it’s me. Me, Clemens,” said Clemens. “Look, I’m here.” He gave the arm a little slap. He massaged the rigid neck, gently, and the back of the bent-down head. He glanced at the psychiatrist, who sighed very softly. The captain shrugged. |
| "Šok terapija, Doktore?" | “Shock treatment, Doctor?” |
| Psihijatar klimnu glavom. "Počećemo za jedan sat." Jeste, pomisli Klemens, šok terapija. Odsviraš mu desetak ploča džeza, prođeš mu bocom svežeg zelenog hlorofila i maslačka ispod nosa, staviš mu travu pod noge, poprskaš Šanel po vazduhu, odsečeš mu kosu, podrežeš nokte, dovedeš mu neku ženu, vičeš mu, lupaš i treskaš, spržiš ga strujom, ispuniš rupu i jaz, ali gde ti je dokaz? Ne možeš mu večito dokazivati i dokazivati. Ne možeš zabavljati bebu zvečkama i sirenama po celu noć svake noći tokom sledećih trideset godina. Jednom moraš prestati. Kad to učiniš, on je opet izgubljen. To jest, ako uopšte obraća pažnju na tebe. | The psychiatrist nodded. “We’ll start within the hour.” Yes, thought Clemens, shock treatment. Play a dozen jazz records for him, wave a bottle of fresh green chlorophyll and dandelions under his nose, put grass under his feet, squirt Chanel on the air, cut his hair, clip his fingernails, bring him a woman, shout, bang and crash at him, fry him with electricity, fill the gap and the gulf, but where’s your proof? You can’t keep proving to him forever. You can’t entertain a baby with rattles and sirens all night every night for the next thirty years. Sometime you’ve got to stop. When you do that, he’s lost again. That is, if he pays any attention to you at all. |
| "Hičkok!" uzviknu što je glasnije mogao, gotovo izbezumljeno, kao da se odmakao sa visoke litice. "To sam ja. Tvoj drugar! Hej!" | “Hitchcock!” he cried, as loud as he could, almost frantically, as if he himself were falling over a cliff. “It’s me. It’s your pal! Hey!” |
| Onda se okrete i izađe iz zamukle sobe. | Clemens turned and walked away out of the silent room. |
| Dvanaest časova kasnije zazvoni još jedno zvonce. | Twelve hours later another alarm bell rang. |
| Pošto je sva strka zamrla, kapetan objasni: "Hičkok se povratio u život na čas. Bio je sam. Uvukao se u kosmičko odelo. Otvorio hermetičku komoru. Onda išetao u kosmos - sam." | After all of the running had died down, the captain explained: “Hitchcock snapped out of it for a minute or so. He was alone. He climbed into a space suit. He opened an airlock. Then he walked out into space—alone.” |
| Klemens je žmirkao kroz ogroman zastakljeni otvor, gde su se videle nejasne zvezde i daleka tama. "On je sada tamo napolju?" | Clemens blinked through the immense glass port, where there was a blur of stars and distant blackness. “He’s out there now?” |
| "Da. Milione milja iza nas. Nikada ga ne bismo našli. Saznao sam da je izvan broda tek kada nam se radio iz njegovog skafandra umešao u zrak u kontrolnoj sobi. Čuo sam ga kako govori sam sa sobom." | “Yes. A million miles behind us. We’d never find him. First time I knew he was outside the ship was when his helmet radio came in on our control-room beam. I heard him talking to himself.” |
| "Šta je rekao?" | “What did he say?” |
| "Nešto kao: 'Sada više nema vasionskog broda. Nije ga nikada ni bilo. Nema ljudi. Nikoga u celoj vasioni. Nikada nikoga nije ni bilo. Nema biljaka. Nema zvezda.' To je rekao. Onda priča nešto o svojim šakama, o stopalima i nogama. 'Nema šaka', kaže. 'Više nema šaka. Nikada nisam ni imao. Ni stopala. Nikada ih nisam imao. Ne mogu da dokažem. Nemam tela. Nisam ga nikada imao. Nema usana. Nema lica. Nema glave. Ničega. Samo prostor. Samo prostor. Samo praznina.'" | “Something like ‘No more space ship now. Never was any. No people. No people in all the universe. Never were any. No planets. No stars.’ That’s what he said. And then he said something about his hands and feet and legs. ‘No hands,’ he said. ‘I haven’t any hands any more. Never had any. No feet. Never had any. Can’t prove it. No body. Never had any. No lips. No face. No head. Nothing. Only space. Only space. Only the gap.’” |
| Ljudi se polako okrenuše da gledaju kroz zastakljen otvor u daleke i hladne zvezde. | The men turned quietly to look from the glass port out into the remote and cold stars. |
| Kosmos, razmišljao je Klemens. Svemir koji je Hičkok toliko voleo. Prostor, bez ičega na vrhu, bez ičega na dnu, mnogo praznog ničega između, i Hičkok koji pada usred ničega, na svom putu ni u kakvu određenu noć i ni u kakvo određeno jutro... | Space, thought Clemens. The space that Hitchcock loved so well. Space, with nothing on top, nothing on the bottom, a lot of empty nothings between, and Hitchcock falling in the middle of the nothing, on his way to no particular night and no particular morning. . . . |