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| 14 | 14 |
| Kad je stara Sani otišla, sedeo sam neko vreme u fotelji i popušio dve-tri cigarete. Napolju je svitalo. Ljudi moji, kako sam se jadno osećao. Pojma nemate koliko sam bio potišten. | AFTER OLD SUNNY was gone, I sat in the chair for a while and smoked a couple of cigarettes. It was getting daylight outside. Boy, I felt miserable. I felt so depressed, you can't imagine. |
| Šta sam onda uradio - počeo sam da pričam, onako naglas, sa Elijem. Radim to ponekad, kad se osećam tako ubijeno. Stalno mu govorim da ode kući i uzme bicikl i sačeka me pred kućom Bobija Folona. Bobi Folon je živeo nedaleko od nas u Mejnu - još odavno, mislim. | What I did, I started talking, sort of out loud, to Allie. I do that sometimes when I get very depressed. I keep telling him to go home and get his bike and meet me in front of Bobby Fallon's house. Bobby Fallon used to live quite near us in Maine―this is, years ago. |
| Sve u svemu, evo šta je bilo. Jednom smo Bobi i ja rešili da odemo biciklima do jezera Sedibego. Trebalo je da nosimo užinu i vazdušne puške - bili smo još klinci i sve, pa smo mislili da ćemo upucati nešto tim puškama. | Anyway, what happened was, one day Bobby and I were going over to Lake Sedebego on our bikes. We were going to take our lunches and all, and our BB guns―we were kids and all, and we thought we could shoot something with our BB guns. |
| I tako, Eli nas je čuo kad smo pričali o tome i hteo je da pođe s nama, a ja mu nisam dozvolio. Rekao sam mu da je još dete. Zato mu sada, ponekad, kad sam tako potišten, stalno ponavljam: "Dobro. | Anyway, Allie heard us talking about it, and he wanted to go, and I wouldn't let him. I told him he was a child. So once in a while, now, when I get very depressed, I keep saying to him, "Okay. |
| Idi kući, uzmi bicikl i čekaj me pred Bobijevom kućom. Požuri samo." Nije da sam izbegavao da ga vodim kad idem negde. | Go home and get your bike and meet me in front of Bobby's house. Hurry up." It wasn't that I didn't use to take him with me when I went somewhere. |
| Vodio sam ga. Ali baš tog dana nisam. Nije se naljutio - nikad se nije ni zbog čega ljutio - ali svejedno mislim na to kad se osećam tako ubijeno. | I did. But that one day, I didn't. He didn't get sore about it―he never got sore about anything―but I keep thinking about it anyway, when I get very depressed. |
| Na kraju sam se ipak svukao i legao u krevet. Došlo mi je da se pomolim ili nešto kad sam se našao u krevetu, ali nisam mogao. Ne mogu baš uvek da se molim kad mi dođe. Pre svega, ja sam kao neki ateista. | Finally, though, I got undressed and got in bed. I felt like praying or something, when I was in bed, but I couldn't do it. I can't always pray when I feel like it. In the first place, I'm sort of an atheist. |
| Sviđa mi se Isus i sve to, ali nije mi osobito stalo do mase drugih stvari u Bibliji. Uzmimo, na primer, apostole. Užasno me nerviraju, ako baš hoćete da znate. | I like Jesus and all, but I don't care too much for most of the other stuff in the Bible. Take the Disciples, for instance. They annoy the hell out of me, if you want to know the truth. |
| Mogli su da prođu posle Isusove smrti i svega, ali dok je On bio živ, bili su mu od koristi koliko i rupa u glavi. Ostavljali su ga svaki čas na cedilu. | They were all right after Jesus was dead and all, but while He was alive, they were about as much use to Him as a hole in the head. All they did was keep letting Him down. |
| Skoro svakog u Bibliji više volim od apostola. U suštini, pored Isusa, najviše volim onog luđaka što je živeo po grobovima i stalno se sekao kamenjem. | I like almost anybody in the Bible better than the Disciples. If you want to know the truth, the guy I like best in the Bible, next to Jesus, was that lunatic and all, that lived in the tombs and kept cutting himself with stones. |
| Volim ga stoput više od apostola, tog sirotog skota. Raspravljao sam više puta o tome kad sam bio u Hutonu, s jednim učenikom čija je soba bila u istom hodniku. Artur Čajlds, tako se zvao. | I like him ten times as much as the Disciples, that poor bastard. I used to get in quite a few arguments about it, when I was at Whooton School, with this boy that lived down the corridor, Arthur Childs. |
| On je bio kveker i sve. Nije se odvajao od Biblije. Bio je dobar dečko, voleo sam ga, ali nikad nisam mogao da se složim s njim oko mase toga u Bibliji, pogotovo oko apostola. | Old Childs was a Quaker and all, and he read the Bible all the time. He was a very nice kid, and I liked him, but I could never see eye to eye with him on a lot of stuff in the Bible, especially the Disciples. He kept telling me if I didn't like the Disciples, then I didn't like Jesus and all. |
| Stalno mi je govorio da ako ne volim apostole, ne volim ni Isusa. Govorio je da apostole treba voleti zato što ih je Isus odabrao. Govorio sam mu da znam da ih je On odabrao, ali da ih je birao nasumce. | He said that because Jesus picked the Disciples, you were supposed to like them. I said I knew He picked them, but that He picked them at random. I said He didn't have time to go around analyzing everybody. |
| Govorio sam mu da On nije imao vremena da ide naokolo i analizira sve živo, i da uopšte ne osuđujem Isusa zbog toga. Nije On kriv što nije imao vremena. Sećam se da sam pitao starog Čajldsa misli li on da je Juda, onaj što je izdao Isusa i sve, dospeo u pakao kad je izvršio samoubistvo. | I said I wasn't blaming Jesus or anything. It wasn't His fault that He didn't have any time. I remember I asked old Childs if he thought Judas, the one that betrayed Jesus and all, went to Hell after he committed suicide. |
| Čajlds je rekao da se to podrazumeva. E baš u tome se nisam složio s njim. Rekao sam kako bih se kladio u hiljadu dolara da Isus nikada nije poslao starog Judu u pakao. | Childs said certainly. That's exactly where I disagreed with him. I said I'd bet a thousand bucks that Jesus never sent old Judas to Hell. |
| I sad bih se kladio, da imam hiljadu dolara. Mislim da bi ga bilo koji apostol poslao u pakao - i to pod hitno - ali kladio bih se u sve na svetu da Isus to nije učinio. Stari Čajlds je rekao da je glavni moj problem što ne idem u crkvu ili nešto. | I still would, too, if I had a thousand bucks. I think any one of the Dis ciples would've sent him to Hell and all―and fast, too―but I'll bet anything Jesus didn't do it. Old Childs said the trouble with me was that I didn't go to church or anything. |
| U neku ruku, bio je u pravu. I ne idem. Pre svega, moji nisu iste vere i sva su deca u našoj porodici ateisti. | He was right about that, in a way. I don't. In the first place, my parents are different religions, and all the children in our family are atheists. |
| Ni sveštenike ne podnosim, ako baš hoćete da znate. Svi su oni, u svakoj školi koju sam pohađao, deklamovali svoje propovedi nekim lažnim svetačkim glasom. | If you want to know the truth, I can't even stand ministers. The ones they've had at every school I've gone to, they all have these Holy Joe voices when they start giving their sermons. |
| Ljudi moji, kako mrzim takve stvari. Nije mi jasno zbog kog đavola ne mogu da govore normalnim glasom. Uvek tako dvolično zvuče, čim otvore usta. | God, I hate that. I don't see why the hell they can't talk in their natural voice. They sound so phony when they talk. |
| Sve u svemu, ležao sam na krevetu, nesposoban da se ljudski pomolim. Kad god bih počeo, video bih staru Sani kako mi kaže da sam štakor. | Anyway, when I was in bed, I couldn't pray worth a damn. Every time I got started, I kept picturing old Sunny calling me a crumb-bum. |
| Na kraju sam seo u krevetu i popušio još jednu cigaretu. Bila je odvratna. Mora da sam popušio bar dve pakle otkako sam napustio Pensi. | Finally, I sat up in bed and smoked another cigarette. It tasted lousy. I must've smoked around two packs since I left Pencey. |
| Iznenada, dok sam tako sedeo i pušio, neko je zakucao na vrata. Ponadao sam se da ne kucaju na moja vrata, mada sam prokleto dobro znao da kucaju baš na njih. | All of a sudden, while I was laying there smoking, somebody knocked on the door. I kept hoping it wasn't my door they were knocking on, but I knew damn well it was. |
| Ne znam kako sam to znao, ali znao sam. Znao sam i ko je. Ja sam vidovit. | I don't know how I knew, but I knew. I knew who it was, too. I'm psychic. |
| "Ko je?" rekoh. Bio sam prilično uplašen. Prava sam kukavica kad se radi o takvim stvarima. | "Who's there?" I said. I was pretty scared. I'm very yellow about those things. |
| Ali samo su ponovo kucali. Glasnije. | They just knocked again, though. Louder. |
| Na kraju sam ustao sa kreveta, onako samo u pidžami, i otvorio vrata. Nisam čak ni morao da palim svetlo u sobi, jer je već bio dan. | Finally I got out of bed, with just my pajamas on, and opened the door. I didn't even have to turn the light on in the room, because it was already daylight. |
| Pred vratima je stajala stara Sani, a pored nje Moris, onaj makro iz lifta. | Old Sunny and Maurice, the pimpy elevator guy, were standing there. |
| "Šta je bilo? Šta hoćete?" rekao sam. Ljudi moji, glas mi je drhtao kao sumanut. | "What's the matter? Wuddaya want?" I said. Boy, my voice was shaking like hell. |
| "Ništa naročito", rekao je stari Moriš. "Samo pet dolara." On je pričao za oboje. Sani je samo stajala, otvorenih usta i sve. | "Nothin' much," old Maurice said. "Just five bucks." He did all the talking for the two of them. Old Sunny just stood there next to him, with her mouth open and all. |
| "Već sam joj platio. Dao sam joj tih pet dolara. Pitajte je", rekoh. Ljudi moji, kako mi je drhtao glas. | "I paid her already. I gave her five bucks. Ask her," I said. Boy, was my voice shaking. |
| "Deset dolara, šefe. Rekao sam ti. Deset za metak, petnaest do podne. Rekao sam ti." | "It's ten bucks, chief. I tole ya that. Ten bucks for a throw, fifteen bucks till noon. I tole ya that." |
| "Niste mi tako rekli. Rekli ste pet dolara metak. Rekli ste petnaest do podne, to je tačno, ali lepo sam čuo kad ste..." | "You did not tell me that. You said five bucks a throw. You said fifteen bucks till noon, all right, but I distinctly heard you―" |
| "Otvaraj, šefe." | "Open up, chief." |
| "Zbog čega?" rekoh. Ljudi moji, kako mi je lupalo srce, malo je falilo da me svojim kucanjem izbaci iz sobe. | "What for?" I said. God, my old heart was damn near beating me out of the room. |
| Poželeo sam da sam bar obučen. Užasno je biti samo u pidžami kad se dešava tako nešto. | I wished I was dressed at least. It's terrible to be just in your pajamas when something like that happens. |
| "Ajmo, šefe", rekao je stari Moris. Onda me grubo munuo svojom odvratnom rukom. | "Let's go, chief," old Maurice said. Then he gave me a big shove with his crumby hand. |
| Malo je falilo da tresnem na dupe - bio je baš krupna strvina. U sledećem trenutku, Sani i on bili su u sobi. | I damn near fell over on my can―he was a huge sonuvabitch. The next thing I knew, he and old Sunny were both in the room. |
| Ponašali su se kao da je čitavo prokleto mesto njihovo. Sani je sela na ivicu prozora. Stari Moriš se uvalio u veliku fotelju i raskopčao okovratnik i sve - nosio je onu uniformu liftboja. Ljudi moji, kako sam se unervozio. | They acted like they owned the damn place. Old Sunny sat down on the window sill. Old Maurice sat down in the big chair and loosened his collar and all―he was wearing this elevator operator's uniform. Boy, was I nervous. |
| "Ajmo, šefe, lovu na sunce. Čeka me posao." | "All right, chief, let's have it. I gotta get back to work." |
| "Stoput sam vam rekao, ništa vam na dugujem. Već sam joj dao pet... " | "I told you about ten times, I don't owe you a cent. I already gave her the five―" |
| "Ne jedi govna. Lovu na sunce." | "Cut the crap, now. Let's have it." |
| "Zašto bih joj dao još pet dolara?" rekoh. Glas mi se kršio po čitavoj sobi. "Samo hoćete da me izradite." | "Why should I give her another five bucks?" I said. My voice was cracking all over the place. "You're trying to chisel me." |
| Stari Moriš je raskopčao čitavu uniformu. Ispod nje je imao samo neki lažni okovratnik od košulje, bez košulje ili nečega. | Old Maurice unbuttoned his whole uniform coat. All he had on underneath was a phony shirt collar, but no shirt or anything. |
| Imao je veliki debeli dlakavi trbuh. "Niko neće nikog da izradi", rekao je. "Lovu na sunce, šefe." | He had a big fat hairy stomach. "Nobody's tryna chisel nobody," he said. "Let's have it, chief." |
| "Ne dam." | "No." |
| Kad sam to rekao, digao se sa fotelje i krenuo prema meni. Izgledao je kao da je strahovito umoran ili da mu je sve strahovito dosadilo. | When I said that, he got up from his chair and started walking towards me and all. He looked like he was very, very tired or very, very bored. |
| Ljudi moji, kako sam se prepao. Sećam se da sam kao skrstio ruke ili nešto. Sve to i ne bi bilo toliko loše, mislim, da nisam bio samo u toj prokletoj pidžami. | God, was I scared. I sort of had my arms folded, I remember. It wouldn't have been so bad, I don't think, if I hadn't had just my goddam pajamas on. |
| "Lovu na sunce, šefe." Nacrtao se ispred mene. To je bilo sve što je umeo da kaže. 'Lovu na sunce, šefe.' Pravi pravcati moron. | "Let's have it, chief." He came right up to where I was standing. That's all he could say. "Let's have it, chief." He was a real moron. |
| "Ne dam." | "No." |
| "Šefe, isforsiraćeš me da te malo ojadim. Ne volim da radim takve stvari, ali čim mi se da ću morati", rekao je. "Dužan si nam petaka." | "Chief, you're gonna force me inna roughin' ya up a little bit. I don't wanna do it, but that's the way it looks," he said. "You owe us five bucks." |
| "Nisam vam dužan petaka", rekoh. "Samo me pipnite, vikaću iz sve snage. Probudiću sve živo u hotelu. Pandure i sve." Glas mi je drhtao kao sumanut. | "I don't owe you five bucks," I said. "If you rough me up, I'll yell like hell. I'll wake up everybody in the hotel. The police and all." My voice was shaking like a bastard. |
| "Samo napred. Deri se dok ti glava ne otpadne", rekao je stari Moris. "Šta je, hoćeš da ti roditelji saznaju da si spavao sa kurvom? Tako fini klinac kao ti?" Bio je prilično lukav, na svoj ljigavi način. Ozbiljno. | "Go ahead. Yell your goddam head off. Fine," old Maurice said. "Want your parents to know you spent the night with a whore? High-class kid like you?" He was pretty sharp, in his crumby way. He really was. |
| "Ostavite me na miru. Da ste mi rekli deset, druga stvar. Ali lepo sam čuo kad ste..." | "Leave me alone. If you'd said ten, it'd be different. But you distinctly―" |
| "Hoćeš li da iskopaš tu kintu već jednom?" Priterao me do samih vrata. Gotovo je stajao na meni, njegov odvratni matori dlakavi trbuh i sve. | "Are ya gonna let us have it?" He had me right up against the damn door. He was almost standing on top of me, his crumby old hairy stomach and all. |
| "Ostavite me na miru. Nosite se bestraga iz moje sobe", rekoh. Ruke su mi i dalje bile skrštene. Ljudi moji, kakav sam bio mamlaz. | "Leave me alone. Get the hell out of my room," I said. I still had my arms folded and all. God, what a jerk I was. |
| Onda je Sani prvi put progovorila. "Ej, Morise. Da mu uzmem novčanik, a? Eno ga na onom - kako se zvaše." | Then Sunny said something for the first time. "Hey, Maurice. Want me to get his wallet?" she said. "It's right on the wutchamacallit." |
| "Aha, uzmi ga." | "Yeah, get it." |
| "Ne diraj moj novčanik!" | "Leave my wallet alone!" |
| "Već sam ga uzela", rekla je Sani. Mahnula je s pet dolara u mom pravcu. "Vidiš? Uzimam samo onih pet što si dužan. Nisam ja lopov." | "I awreddy got it," Sunny said. She waved five bucks at me. "See? All I'm takin' is the five you owe me. I'm no crook." |
| Iznenada, zaplakao sam. Sve bih dao da nisam, ali plakao sam. "Ne, niste vi lopovi", rekoh. "Samo kradete mojih pet..." | All of a sudden I started to cry. I'd give anything if I hadn't, but I did. "No, you're no crooks," I said. "You're just stealing five―" |
| "Jezik za zube", reče stari Moris i munu me. | "Shut up," old Maurice said, and gave me a shove. |
| "Pusti ga, ej", reče Sani. "Ajmo, ej. Uzeli smo kintu što nam duguje. Idemo. Ajmo, ej." "Idem", rekao je stari Moris. Ali nije. | "Leave him alone, hey," Sunny said. "C'mon, hey. We got the dough he owes us. Let's go. C'mon, hey." "I'm comin'," old Maurice said. But he didn't. |
| "Ozbiljno, ej, Morise. Pusti ga, ej." | "I mean it, Maurice, hey. Leave him alone." |
| "A ko ga dira?" rekao je, bajagi nedužno. A onda, šta je uradio - gadno me čvrknuo prstom po pidžami. | "Who's hurtin' anybody?" he said, innocent as hell. Then what he did, he snapped his finger very hard on my pajamas. |
| Neću da kažem gde me čvrknuo, ali gadno je zabolelo. Rekao sam mu da je odvratni moronski degenerik. | I won't tell you where he snapped it, but it hurt like hell. I told him he was a goddam dirty moron. |
| "Šta to?" kazao je. Stavio je ruku iza uva, kao da je gluv. "Šta to? Šta sam ja?" | "What's that?" he said. He put his hand behind his ear, like a deaf guy. "What's that? What am I?" |
| I dalje sam kao plakao, šta li. Toliko sam bio besan i iznerviran i sve. | I was still sort of crying. I was so damn mad and nervous and all. |
| "Degenerik odvratni, eto šta si", rekao sam. "Ti si debilni lopovski degenerik i za koju godinu bićeš jedan od onih bednika što saleću ljude po ulici da im udele za kafu. | "You're a dirty moron," I said. "You're a stupid chiseling moron, and in about two years you'll be one of those scraggy guys that come up to you on the street and ask for a dime for coffee. |
| Bićeš sav kaljav i umazan slinama i..." | You'll have snot all over your dirty filthy overcoat, and you'll be―" |
| Onda me mlatnuo. Nisam čak ni pokušao da se uklonim ili sagnem. Samo sam osetio taj strahoviti udarac pesnicom u stomak. | Then he smacked me. I didn't even try to get out of the way or duck or anything. All I felt was this terrific punch in my stomach. |
| Ipak, nisam bio nokautiran ili nešto, jer pamtim kako sam gledao s poda i video kako oboje izlaze i zatvaraju vrata. Prilično sam dugo ostao na podu, kao onda sa Stredleterom. | I wasn't knocked out or anything, though, because I remember looking up from the floor and seeing them both go out the door and shut it. Then I stayed on the floor a fairly long time, sort of the way I did with Stradlater. |
| Samo što sam ovog puta mislio da umirem. | Only, this time I thought I was dying. I really did. |
| Bilo je kao da se davim ili nešto. Stvar je bila u tome što nisam mogao da dišem. Kad sam najzad ustao, odvukao sam se sav zgrčen do kupatila, držeći se za stomak i sve. | I thought I was drowning or something. The trouble was, I could hardly breathe. When I did finally get up, I had to walk to the bathroom all doubled up and holding onto my stomach and all. |
| Ali ja sam lud. Najozbiljnije. Negde na pola puta do kupatila počeo sam da izigravam kako imam metak u stomaku. Stari Moris me upucao. | But I'm crazy. I swear to God I am. About halfway to the bathroom, I sort of started pretending I had a bullet in my guts. Old Maurice had plugged me. |
| Sada sam išao u kupatilo da cimnem solidan gutljaj burbona ili nečeg, da mi sredi živce i pomogne mi da stvarno krenem u akciju. | Now I was on the way to the bathroom to get a good shot of bourbon or something to steady my nerves and help me really go into action. |
| Zamislio sam sebe kako izlazim iz prokletog kupatila, obučen i sve, s revolverom u džepu, teturajući se malo. | I pictured myself coming out of the goddam bathroom, dressed and all, with my automatic in my pocket, and staggering around a little bit. |
| Onda silazim niz stepenice umesto liftom. Pridržavam se za ogradu dok mi krv povremeno curka s jednog kraja usta. | Then I'd walk downstairs, instead of using the elevator. I'd hold onto the banister and all, with this blood trickling out of the side of my mouth a little at a time. |
| I šta radim - spuštam se dva-tri sprata držeći se za stomak - krv na sve strane - a onda pozivam lift. | What I'd do, I'd walk down a few floors―holding onto my guts, blood leaking all over the place―and then I'd ring the elevator bell. |
| Čim stari Moris otvori lift i ugleda me s revolverom u ruci, počinje da vrišti, skičavim kukavičkim izbezumljenim glasom, da ga ostavim na miru. | As soon as old Maurice opened the doors, he'd see me with the automatic in my hand and he'd start screaming at me, in this very high-pitched, yellow-belly voice, to leave him alone. |
| Ali ja ga svejedno rešetam. Šest metaka pravo u njegov debeli dlakavi trbuh. | But I'd plug him anyway. Six shots right through his fat hairy belly. |
| Onda bacam revolver u otvor od lifta - pošto sam obrisao otiske i sve. Zatim se odvlačim do sobe i telefoniram Džejn koja dolazi i previja mi stomak. | Then I'd throw my automatic down the elevator shaft―after I'd wiped off all the finger prints and all. Then I'd crawl back to my room and call up Jane and have her come over and bandage up my guts. |
| Zamislio sam je kako mi pridržava cigaretu dok krvarim i sve. | I pictured her holding a cigarette for me to smoke while I was bleeding and all. |
| Prokleti filmovi. Stvarno mogu da upropaste čoveka. Bez zezanja. | The goddam movies. They can ruin you. I'm not kidding. |
| Ostao sam jedno sat vremena u kupatilu, kupajući se i sve. Onda sam se vratio u krevet. | I stayed in the bathroom for about an hour, taking a bath and all. Then I got back in bed. |
| Poprilično mi je trebalo da zaspim - nisam čak ni bio umoran - ali sam na kraju ipak zaspao. U stvari, došlo mi je bilo da se ubijem. | It took me quite a while to get to sleep―I wasn't even tired―but finally I did. What I really felt like, though, was committing suicide. |
| Došlo mi je da skočim kroz prozor. Verovatno bih to i uradio da sam bio siguran kako će neko da me pokrije čim padnem na zemlju. | I felt like jumping out the window. I probably would've done it, too, if I'd been sure somebody'd cover me up as soon as I landed. |
| Nisam želeo da gomila idiotskih kulova zija u mene onako krvavog. | I didn't want a bunch of stupid rubbernecks looking at me when I was all gory. |